Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Barack Obama is not an elitist, I am..(Vibe.com)

After watching the utterly nonsensical coverage following the Pennsylvania Primary and surrounding the recent reemergence of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I'm starting to gain a new found respect for all those individuals who refuse to involve themselves in the political process at all. I'm as serious as a "dutch oven" executed by Mo'nique. To some people, passionately getting behind a candidate is akin to giving your heart to someone after years of being on the business end of one painful break-up after another - why get all jazzed up over a presidential nominee, only to get your heart ripped out of your chest when they come a few electoral votes short of Pennsylvania avenue? But sometimes, like the lonely throat-chop giving writer who went out and got himself a girlfriend because he talked about his penis entirely too much on his blog and masturbated like his genitalia had an expiration date on it, sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and openly support a candidate that you truly believe in.(See Barack Obama) But after witnessing the media coverage of Obama lately, I'm starting to understand why some people just don't fuck with politics at all. I mean, only a black man running for president would find himself responsible for everything an associate ever said - if Obama doesn't capture the nomination, I feel that our next hope for a black president will have to be someone groomed for the highest office in the land since birth. Like the attempted arranged marriage in "Coming to America", how else could we keep him away from shady slumlords in which he participated in no wrong-doing - or radicals who committed reprehensible things when he was a toddler?

Also, have you ever noticed that every Obama "scandal" that some pundit allows to escape their inept mandible always seems to be prefaced with some sort of clumsy contradictory statement? Like, "I know Obama loves this country and is patriotic, but... what's up with his refusal to wear a flag pin?" or "I'm absolutely positive that Barack Obama doesn't have a hateful bone in his body, but.. what's the deal with his preacher?" or "I fully understand what Barack Obama was saying when he said that people vote on wedge issues when they lose faith in their government, but.. that "bitter" comment.." What kind of media, Jedi mind-fuck is that exactly? Pure idiocy I tell you, apparently the mainstream media is as scared as Rupert Murdoch when it comes to prospect of having a black president.

But the one Obama criticism that really pissed me off was the whole "elitist" meme originally pushed by John McCain and Hillary Clinton - one candidate who has 8 houses and is married to a beer heiress worth 100 million dollars and another candidate who, with her husband, made 109 Million dollars over the past 7 years. On the surface the charge is ridiculous, a black man raised by a struggling single mother who often fed her son via foodstamps, who later passed up numerous opportunities to practice law at prestigious corporate firms to be a community organizer and a civil rights lawyer. But on a deeper level, the charge of "elitism" thrown at Obama acts as a racial dog-whistle as well - as my Vibe.com colleague Mark Anthony Neal succinctly states in a blog post entitled "Obama Elitist? I'm Hearing Something Else", what John McCain and Hillary Clinton are really telling voters is "this nigger thinks he's better than you!"

But as a person who wears my Hip Hop elitism like a fucking badge of honor, I didn't particularly appreciate the way the media wrongly characterized Obama as looking down on the common man - its a proverbial slap in the face to all of us who actually think that we are better than everyone else, solely on our Hip Hop tastes that is. Obama fields asinine questions about flag pins with infinite patience, but when someone waxes poetic about the lyrical prowess of Lil Wayne - my responses range from me vomiting inside my own mouth a little bit, open-palm mushing the person in question, or slashing my wrists with an imaginary knife as I fictitiously convulse and bleed out all over the place. When Tim Russert clumsily tried to hit Obama with the "gotcha" question in the form of "Louis Farrakhan", he very calmly claimed that he both rejected and denounced his support - I too had to publicly make my disapproval of someone public, by getting a free ticket to their concert, getting back stage as if I was going to interview the sub-par wordsmith for my Vibe blog, then dissing the fuck out of him by turning my back on him while posing in the illest B-Boy stance and as he extended his hand to greet me. Yes, I'm an asshole, an insufferable prick who makes utterly hate-able lists in his spare time consisting of what IS and Isn't Hip Hop. Barack Obama an Elitist? The junior Senator from Illinois doesn't have shit on me.

For example, sometimes I'll find myself in some random nightclub, and if the music being played suddenly gives me the sneaking suspicion that its going to be the soundtrack to my random stabbing - it isn't Hip Hop. If some monosyllabic rapper thinks that "swagger" has as much importance as having actual lyrical skill or moving a crowd, they aren't Hip Hop to me. Its my firm belief that if T-Pain guest stars on one of your songs, there is a 93.5 percent chance that you are not Hip Hop, its a scientific fact.(Ok, not really). For a long time I've contended, if an artist post 1991 comes out with a song instructing the listener to perform some sort of ridiculous dance routine - chances are, those motherfuckers aren't Hip Hop either. I once physically accosted a wedding DJ for playing a Jim Jones record, I've broken up with women in the midst of relatively healthy relationships simply because of their piss poor musical choices - during my friends funeral, as the preacher talked about my friend's love for Hip Hop he butchered the name of one of his main influences. So I corrected him be saying, "Its Big Daddy Kane fuckstick, get it right!" - to the dismay of hundreds of both shocked and severely pissed off mourners. The other night, when I picked my girlfriend up to go out to have dinner she was wearing a G-Unit t-shirt, I immediately made her change her clothes, questioned her for the next hour wondering if that was her way of passive aggressively breaking up with me, and made her recite the first verse of "Microphone Fiend". I don't let people forget about misguided album purchases or musical predictions, 17 years later I still occasionally call my friend Ron and say "Vanilla Ice, really??" - or very sarcastically say, "I'm loving that new Tracy Lee CD!! That's right, he doesn't have one.."

Obama has a long way to go when it comes to being an elitist.

Obama throws Rev. Wright under the Bus..

..he had to. After the "youtube clips heard around the world" from Reverend Wright, in the Philadelphia speech, Obam successfully walked the tightrope of distancing himself from the remarks of his former pastor and not disowning the father figure who had introduced him to Christianity. Just as he had done when Keith Olbermann asked him a debate question about Barry Bonds where he refused to take the politically easy route and appease white folks by dissing the shit out of #25, just how he has done by admitting to being a Hip Hop fan despite widespread generalizations about an artform that involves two turntables and a microphone - he could have easily denounced Wright, it was the politically feasible thing to do, but he didn't. Now, with Reverend Wright's recent press tour, as it seems to be, saying things that can sink Obama politically like AIDS being invented to kill black folks or that Obama was being a standard politician when he distanced himself from Wright's original remarks - he was left with no choice but to not only throw what it seems to be an arrogant egomaniac with his own agenda under the bus, but to also roll back over him a few times for good measure.

I'm not sure if there will be a backlash from black folks, but what we have to remember is that Barack Obama is running for president of the United States and not your local fucking Moose lodge. Whether it was the black people who claimed that Obama was pandering too much to the white electorate, or the people who will probably be upset with him because he came out against his old pastors misguided ramblings - in both cases, grow the fuck up, he is running for President of The United States you toothless fucking rubes. With the chips already stacked against him, the least anyone associated with him with a shred of common sense could do was to stay on message. How hard is that exactly? My old man always told me that if I was going to be successful in this life that I had to work twice as hard as my white counterpart, I'd assume that a black man running for president has to not only be twice as smart as everyone else - but also 20 times as clean(politically) as well. So I have absolutely no sympathy for someone who can't grasp the groundbreaking moment in which we are approaching, and if someone can't keep their fucking mouth - record a scathing dis record, I mean, hold a press conference.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Black Sheep: "Similak Child"

Besides putting my porn stash in an undisclosed location, burning all the paraphernalia left behind by past girlfriends, and parking my car in the garage for the first few months of my relationship so some irrelevant fling wouldn't stop by unexpectedly - the one essential thing I forgot to do was to erase women out of my cell phone. I bring this up because when my phone rang the other day and Black Sheep's "Similak Child" came on, the old lady asked me who it was - so I told her it was a 22 year old chick who I considered underachieving on top of, way before I met her. Intrigued, she asked, "What other ring tones have you given women?" As we both scrolled through my phone, we stumbled on the EPMD posse cut "Headbanger" designated for a woman whose only marketable skill was fellatio, some random Lauryn Hill song played when this woman with a shitload of kids called - and also a random Meshell Ndegeocello song was for a chick who loved the ladies as much as I do.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..(Debate Edition) Vibe.com

Even though my physique suggests that I have a love affair with late night snacking, a habit that has prevented me from getting a complete look at my genitalia since the last episode of "Quantum Leap" - I don't want to confuse my readers when I say that people should always follow their gut. Deep down I knew that the love of my life was cheating on me behind my back, but I ignored all the tell-tale signs like her yawning during sex, me suddenly being unable to "touch the sides" during intercourse, and a gentleman who characterized himself as her "new boyfriend" who kept incessantly calling - I finally got the message as we both crossed paths, him moving things in while I moved my shit out. If I would have listened to my gut, I would have known that I was my father's least favorite child, despite all the years of being told that I'd never amount to anything, I still felt that there was an outside chance that the old guy had a soft spot in his heart for his youngest child. The gut hardly lies, I realized this when my father clutched my brother's hand while laying on his deathbed, saying: "You are the best son a father could ever have!" Ouch! Forget Farrakhan, having your father give his adopted son the stamp of approval over his blood child is the epitome of being both denounced and rejected.

Early yesterday, when I learned that George Stephanopoulos had been a guest on Sean Hannity's radio show, supposedly "taking notes" when that right-wing cock-stain suggested that he ask Obama about William Ayers and his participation in the Million Man March during the democratic debate - I just knew that last night's affair would be a nonsensical cluster-fuck, mostly about fucking flag-pins and clumsy guilt-by-association charges. Again, my gut was correct. As I watched the debate, getting more and more enraged as Charlie Gibson and Stephanopoulos peppered Obama with right-wing smears masquerading as legitimate questions, with Hillary piling on like the opportunist hack of a politician that she is - I was inspired to give Mr. Obama some campaign pointers as I usually do, thanks to last nights horrific debate.

Less Counterpunching, more sucker-punches: The only time I've spent behind bars has to do me ritualistically ruining my liver and a few physical altercations that momentarily put me in city lock-up - so I'm not going to pretend like I have any sort of extensive knowledge on the ins and outs of maximum security confinement. But speaking of "ins and outs", I've seen my fair share of "Oz" episodes to I know that to keep your rectum echo-less and avoid holding another man's extended pocket as a sign of ownership, on the first day you have to find the biggest person you can find, and throw them one hell of an ass-whipping. Obama should employ this strategy, albeit momentarily. Listen, after last night, when Obama seemed to give her a pass on "Sniper-gate" and she still went all in with Farrakhan, The Weather Underground, and Reverend Wright - it became crystal clear to me that Hillary is trying to make Obama unelectable against McCain so she can run in 2012. My feeling is, if you get into a verbal spat with a fellow motorist and he hops out of his car with a tire iron in his hand, you can't fight that man as if he plans to give you a fair and above board ass-whipping, you have to fight him as if he plans to take your life. I'm well aware that part of Obama's appeal is his willingness to stay above the fray, but occasionally, to show Hillary and the Republican attack machine that he isn't fucking around - bring up sniper fire, Hillary saying "screw them" when referencing working class whites in 1995.Maybe even Norman Hsu, Peter Paul, or Marc Rich- if her silly ass really wants to play the guilt-by-association game.

Pivot to McCain, then taunt him: I'm well aware that Drudge isn't exactly the most reliable of sources, but I believe their recent report that McCain would rather face Hillary in November - that is why he has refused to obliterate her on "Sniper-gate" and other attackable issues. That being said, because I sincerely feel that Obama should pivot and attack John McCain as frequently as possible - he should taunt the 72 year old, especially considering his historically quick temper. Obama should say something like: "John McCain is an authentic war hero, he spent 5 and a half long years getting tortured in a Hanoi Hilton for this fine country of ours - a bravery that most of us, including me, can't even begin to fathom. That is why it comes as an absolute shock to my campaign that a man with bravery in spades is scared to face me in the fall, sources say that he's told his closest aides he'd rather face Hillary and now barely attacks her because of it - Come on John, you've faced worse than little ole me."

Play the "Six Degress of McCain" game as well: It seems to me, especially if you are a black candidate running for president, that any person that you've ever known who fails to follow the DMV handbook religiously or doesn't volunteer at soup kitchens on the weekends or doesn't mid-wife pregnant horses - will be your political downfall at some point in your campaign. That being said, if the media is going to put so much stock in the guilt-by-association game, its time to compile a list of shady characters that John McCain has ever crossed paths with as well. He's been serving the public for a long time so it can't be hard. Obama's campaign should start name dropping a few of those unsavory characters, not saying that that strategy should be aggressively pushed - but letting the McCain camp know that obsessing over William Ayers might get you fucked up is only a good thing.

Barack Obama, master of the pivot..

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Rating Barack Obama Non-Scandals(Vibe.com)

One thing that truly boggles the mind, besides the success of CBS's "Two and a Half Men" and the fact that not every stripper you come across accepts money for sexual favors, is the commonly regurgitated theme that Barack Obama had at one time received a "free ride" from the news media. Sure, he was a relatively new face in politics and people desperately wanted to know more about the Junior Senator from Illinois, but don't confuse that with the media ever being in the tank for Obama. Because to the trained eye nothing could be further from the truth. For one thing, like most star black athletes who are called "disruptive" when they publicly call out teammates, when their white counterpart is described as "showing leadership" for doing the exact same thing - I noticed that Obama was immediately a victim of the "adjective game" by many in the mainstream media. If Hillary was telling a group of supporters that she was the only candidate who could reform health care because of her years of experience on the matter, or if John McCain expressed in some interview how he was best positioned out of all the candidates to protect America based on his foreign policy credentials - both of them, more times than not, were characterized as being "confident". Obama on the other hand, exuding the same levels of confidence when talking about his ability to bring people together, or how he is the only candidate who can beat McCain come November, is often characterized as "arrogant" or "cocky". Out of the three remanding candidates, Obama is the only one I've ever seen described as "whining" when he responds to attacks, just further outlining how many people are truly threatened by an assertive black person.(See Michelle Obama). Then there was Farrakhan. You know what, they'd only ask a black guy to disassociate himself from a person who he has never had a personal relationship with - I'm fully expecting Tim Russert, during one of the presidential debates when Obama takes on McCain to ask Barack - "Do you denounce and reject the support of Malik Jenkins, who lives off of 11th and Grand, you know - the one that lives right next to the Stop-N-Go? He has said some questionable things.." In 2000 and 2004, there were more prominent religious leaders who thought that homosexuality sparked national disasters than you could shake a stick at - scores of evil malcontented bastards who though a church pew thinking that a church podium masked their verbal venom - most of those bottom feeders supported Bush wholeheartedly, and he was neither asked to denounce nor reject them by Mr Russert.(Read more here)

Monday, April 07, 2008

First things First(Vibe.com)

The details surrounding the loss of my virginity is confusing to say the least, there are so many miscellaneous sexual events that I was privy to in my formidable years that it severely clouds my ability to pinpoint the exact moment in which I became a man - it might seem like a truly semantic argument to many, but like most things concerning your favorite bloggers favorite blogger, this particular matter is hardly a black and white issue. I'm aware that your garden variety normal person would consider simple insertion as the precise moment a young man loses his virginity, but because I'm not your average person, a career douche-bag with more pubescent incidents than I care to name where low self-esteem having dalliances momentarily let me "stick the tip in" - I not only refuse to add those to the notches already on my enormous Chewbacca-sized gun belt, but to highlight one of those fleeting moments as me crossing the "man threshold" is akin to Hillary Clinton adding Michigan to her win column even though Obama's name wasn't even on the fucking ballot. Sometimes when I accidentally stumble upon the Maury Povich show, watching some Midwestern trailer trash teen who has proceeded to fellate 90% of the men in her small town without ever being vaginally penetrated - sometimes I openly question the standards in which we historically measure a person losing their respective virginity. That being said, because I took it upon myself on numerous occasions to give unsanctioned mustache rides, along with other perverse acts an unlicensed GYN might perform before intercourse ever became an option for me - that unseemly reality also throws a monkey wrench into my "virginity time-line" so to speak. So I finally decided to count the first time I participated in intercourse that lead to a standard "conclusion" as the time I legitimately lost my virginity - I had just turned 15 years old, and the young lady who cleared my path to manhood was one of my classmates named Joanne.

Over the last 17 years Joanne had only crossed my mind a dozen or so times, but I always figured that if we both found ourselves on the business end of an impromptu meeting it would consist of nothing but witty banter, pitch perfect reflection and introspection - kind of like an urban version of one of those Ethan Hawke "Before Sunset" movies, both of us walking through a beautiful park while discussing how a two minute sexual encounter has shaped our lives.(Read more here)