Wednesday, January 03, 2007

What HumanityCritic learned in 2006

Each year, for as long as I can remember, I've written down a slew of New Years resolutions that I had every intention of following. The first few weeks of the year I would stick to my list, eating healthier, respecting people, and not engaging in any sort of sexual activity that one would find deviant. But after a while I'd be back to my old ways, eating greasy cheeseburgers while getting a sloppy mouth-hug from a prostitute named Lupita, who's only grasp of the English language are the words "twenty" and "Dollars", while singing "La Bamba" to her since that's the only Spanish that I know. I'm serious, I say to myself that I'm going to stop being violent and next thing I know I'm throat-chopping some asshole, I tell myself that I'm going to stop being insensitive and look for a wife, and the next thing I know I'm having sex in my doorway so the woman in question fully understands the "getting the fuck out" agenda I have for her. Let me just run down some of the things that I've learned over the past 12 months.

Things I've learned in 2006..

I learned that women don't like it when you tell them, while they are giving you oral pleasure no less, to "Milk that shit like a ambidextrous farm hand!!" and to "Take it all Bessie Mae!!" They also don't like it when you take the dairy references even further and you yell out "Yeah baby, milk that shit like Louis Pasteur and shit!!!".

I learned that I'm the only one that finds going to an Afro-centric poetry reading with two blond white chicks on both arms funny. I also noticed that people didn't find it cute when I made them call me "Mandingo" the entire evening.

I learned that the best way to talk yourself out of sex on your first date is telling the woman, "Touch it!! Go ahead, touch it!! Girl, I'm meatier than a midget handshake down there!!"

I learned that when it comes to my brother, I've been the asshole all of these years. He's a great guy, and I think I was just jealous that my father preferred him over me. I can see why, he's a pretty good guy.

I finally learned that Internet beef is stupid and that its beneath me. For one thing cats don't really want it, and people who diss you only do so because you can write virtual circles around their lifeless carcass at will. Besides, chicks won't fuck me off the strength of my blog now, just imagine how slim my chances will get once they learn of me publicly beating a blogger's ass and screaming "What was that shit you were talking on your June 25th entry??"

I learned that saying the following to a police officer isn't the smartest thing in the world: "Officer, as long as you told me what I did wrong and gave me a ticket, I would have shown you the utmost respect. But what's up with all the extra commentary? The questions and other bile that came out of your mouth was beyond the call of duty in my opinion. Get the fuck out of here, I'm not trying to hear that shit! Go exercise the fact that you used to get you ass beat in High School on someone else!"

I learned not to talk bad about someones ex-girlfriend immediately after a break-up, because if they get back together you might here shit like this: "So humanityCritic, I look like a walking sperm receptacle huh?" "My hairstyle resembles a Baboons ass?" "I have the figure of a 40oz?""

I learned to understand the support of George W. Bush by my friends serving in Iraq. I mean, if I was serving over there I might believe in him as well if it helped me survive.

I learned that going to one-hit wonders who have myspace pages and leaving comments like "I have more friends than you, oh how the mighty have fallen!!" is only funny to me as well.

I learned that I have possibly the coolest and wisest fan-base out of any blogger breathing.(No thanks to me..) Thanks!

7 comments:

Brother OMi said...

lol
you a nut

Amadeo said...

Mandingo...nice.

Poke Smot said...

That shit about cops is true, anyone that feels they need a badge and a gun to get some respect is sorely lacking in some other department.

Adrienne said...

Okay. I just died. That was too hilarious.

whew... can't stopping laughing and my co-worker is looking at me all crazy now too.

adrienne

thoreauly77 said...

new to the site, and i must say that your writing is extremely entertaining. i will be back!

Jae said...

I've linked to you before. I love this stuff!

SimplEnigma said...

"I learned that I'm the only one that finds going to an Afro-centric poetry reading with two blond white chicks on both arms funny. I also noticed that people didn't find it cute when I made them call me "Mandingo" the entire evening."

Actually, I find that pretty funny myself. LMAO.