I don't know if I will offend members of the gay community by this post or not, but I would be doing a great disservice to the few of you kind people who actually read this daily drivel if I wasn't completely forthright with my feelings. Let me clearly state that I wasn't always as progressive a thinker as I am now, once upon a time I was a classic homophobe who knew as many gay jokes as I knew Rakim lyrics. I'd love to say that my accepting people of all sexual orientations came from me getting older, gaining wisdom, gaining something of value that I could proudly credit my shifting of positions on. But to be completely honest, I feel that my progressive "we are all brothers under god" stance only happened when I became secure in my own sexuality and realized that vagina was the only after-hours spot that I wanted to hang my head at. That's what most homophobia is isn't it, a bunch of dudes calling everything gay and acting repulsed over gay men not because its a "sin" or any other garden variety excuse they may give you, but because in the back of their mind they secretly crave cock and want nothing more than to give a guy a complimentary "reach around". I'm not saying that I'm trying to be some sort of spokesperson for straight people who are down with gay people, or co-star on an episode of "Queer as Folk" or some shit, but I thought that I had beliefs that wouldn't offend the gay community in any way imaginable. Until a few days ago that is.
See, I have a friend named Yolanda, not a "I've known her for 20 years and she's like a sister" friend but a "I've been trying for 4 years to penetrate any orifice she would let me, but she's well aware that I'm a scumbag and isn't having it" kind of friend. Anyway, the other day we were chatting on the phone, I'm not sure what we were even talking about but she said, "You know, for the longest time I thought guys couldn't be bi-sexual. But I met a dude the other day and he convinced me to the contrary." I was appalled, and as soon as she finished her sentence I blurted out "Fuck that, if he goes within a square block of another penis he's gay, fuck that!!" The following three examples, probably very bad ones, are what I conveyed to her during our 20 minute conversation as to why men can't be bisexual.
Pitching, catching, it's still baseball motherfucker: During our conversation, my home-girl tried to defend her friend by saying that he "pitches" and doesn't "catch" which doesn't make him gay. I know this argument well because a friend of mine who returned from prison used it after we found out his nickname behind bars was "Louima" for his habit of "plunging" himself in the rectums of other inmates. "Pitching" refers to a guy on the giving end of anal intercourse while someone who "catches" is on the business end of said sexual act. I'm sorry but it's all baseball to me, which means that both parties are gayer than a tree full of parakeets.
The Nightclub test: Lets say a I meet a beautiful woman in a bar, and somewhere between glasses of Gran marnier and me telling her that I have post coital snuggling issues, she tells me that she either has had sex with women before or currently shows off her skill for the cunnilingual arts. Most guys, based on the perverse nature of yours truly, wouldn't see that as a problem to be completely honest. I'm not trying to marry the broad, and who knows, I could find myself being a naked interloper in a very steamy lesbian sandwich. On the other hand, if a woman meets a man in a bar and somewhere between Jack & cokes and him telling her that he's rich enough to benefit from a George Bush tax cuts, that he sometimes finds comfort in the arms of another man. Not for nothing, and I could be wrong here, but I'm sure the woman wouldn't have the same child-like exuberance that I would if I met a part-time lesbian.
The Tiger Woods Theory: Maybe black folks are the only ones that feel this way, or maybe its just me, but when some black looking person goes out of their way to break down every single nationality that's flowing through their blood stream, and specifically stating percentages and whatnot, I always scream out "You're black motherfucker, let that shit go!!" I mean, let my grandmother tell it I have Irish, Choctaw Indian, and a slew of other shit that would make my mere existence seem like one of those Benetton commercials where kids from all over the globe are holding hands and shit. At the end of the day I can see why Tiger Woods would break down his Tai heritage because of his mother, but when he starts rattling off other nationalities its painfully embarrassing. I guess I view gay dudes the same way, I don't care how many chicks you fuck, if another man comes within an arms length of yours and you aren't in a prison shower or getting checked for a hernia, you're gay man.