My friends, more accurately the wives of my friends, have made it abundantly clear that they will no longer hook me up with any of their friends as long as a heart is beating inside their chest, or as one succinctly put it "Until Hell is unseasonably cool." I don't know why they are so passionate about not introducing me to their girlfriends, I'm a pretty nice guy with a sense of humor, an appetite for life, a porn collection as extensive as the library at NFL Films, and as the years have progressed I've become more open to the idea of post-ejaculation snuggling. I really don't see why they would be so adamant about not wanting me to penetrate some of their closest female confidants? Sure, there was that time that I left one of my dates stranded two cities away after she let loose with an incoherent anti-Kobe Bryant rant, that one time that I punched one woman's 20 year old kid brother in the face repeatedly even though he was just joking with me(How else was I supposed to take, "I don't like how you're treating my sister, I'm going to kick your bitch ass!"?), and that one day I was in a bad mood and responded with "None of your fucking business, Eartha Kitt!!" when one woman's mother asked me what my mom did for a living. Come to think of it, besides the many incidents in which I've had sex with women that I was hooked up with, failed to ever call again post coitus, and acted like I didn't know who the fuck they were when I saw them again, I can completely understand why my friends wives wouldn't want their girlfriends within a 100 mile radius of my unimpressive penis.
That's why I was shocked as anyone when Marcy, the wife of my friend David, called me up and said that she had the perfect woman for me. I was paranoid man, was this a set up, would the "date" result in me being strapped to a chair with a fucking gag in my mouth, as women that I have disappointed in the past appear like the ghosts in "A Christmas Carol", all equipped with extremely sharp utensils that make me think that I'll be eligible for the Vienna's Boys Choir in no the near future. After I expressed my reservation Marcy quickly put my fears to ease, it wasn't so much the part of my future date being a "lawyer" and "smart as a whip" as Marcy put it, it was more of the fact that I heard "big titties", an "ex gymnast", and an "excellent cook" somewhere in those many sentences. Shit man, that is like the pervert tri-fecta, I just imagined her doing naked somersaults where her breasts literally giving her black eyes, pulling off a perfect 10 landing on my genitalia, and whispering sweet nothings in my ear mid-stroke like how she's going to make me cheese-eggs and hash-browns after I finish in 2 minutes. I was in love already, I kept thinking about that Ras Kass line "Dominique Dawes in drawls..", to say that I was as excited as a well behaved kid on Christmas Eve, that would be a gross understatement.
8th Date: "Jasmine":I was happy to learn that my date, Jasmine, wanted to go to this sushi bar that she had never been to before, sure I like sushi, but any chick willing to put raw fish in her mouth from a place that she was unfamiliar with was a soothing thought because I'm sure the suggestion of her putting other unfamiliar objects in her mouth wouldn't be roundly rejected. Anyway, we get there and she is absolutely stunning, chocolate skin, beautiful smile, hair and make-up done up like she was about to be plastered on the front of Ebony Magazine or some shit, that's when this evil thought crept in my skull: "HumanityCritic, this broad is above your pay grade like a motherfucker!!" I was kind of nervous until this older black woman started to cough really aggressively at the table right beside us, it was to the point that the whole restaurant was wondering if she was choking or not. So me, a dude who would have usually let her choke to death for the sake of entertainment, walked over to her, gently patted her on the back, and offered her my glass of water for her to drink. She thanked me for my concern but refused my glass of water, so when I went back to my table and thought about her extra long Beyonce weave that has left many a thoroughbred shivering during this cold winter, I told my date, "I guess you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink! Huh??" Her laughter eased my insecurity, and it also put me on the fast track to speedy penetration, or so I thought.
Come to find out, through our exhaustive conversation, it turns out that we both like the same actors, hate a few of the same ones as well, we both can quote both "Hollywood Shuffle" and "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" verbatim, she agrees with me that Rakim is the best rapper ever and even goes as far as to have a rather articulate argument as to the many reasons Tupac is overrated. Man, I had that warm feeling inside, maybe it was the Saki, but I was so comfortable with this chick that I found myself singing a rather feminine version of Chaka Khan's "I'm every woman" just to get a few cheap laughs. When the night winds down and I feel pretty confident that I have met the first woman ever that wouldn't mind getting fucked to Public Enemy's "Fight the Power", she utters "If I met you a couple of months ago, I would be fucking your brains out right about now!!" I asked her what she was talking about, and that's when she said the following:
"I was the biggest whore for as long as I can remember, I used to give guys that I didn't even like a courtesy blowjob, so I can just imagine what I would be doing to you right now. Matter of fact, if we had this same date a few months ago I'm certain that I would give you an oral reward as you nervously drove back to my place. Come to think about it I got off on giving oral more than any other sexual act! Some guys felt that I should enlighten the masses, teach others, and spread my infinite fellatio knowledge for the good of mankind. But based on the fact that I have recently dedicate my life to the lord, I'm not going to participate in anything sexual until I'm married."
I'm pretty sure my mouth was literally on the floor at this point. I wanted to drop on my knees and ask god why is it that I always get the whores who suddenly find religion?? I wanted to tell the woman how much I liked her, that I was a decent guy, and that I felt that marriage was like purchasing a car, let a brother kick the tires and test drive it before making such a serious commitment. Even though I have found myself counting the ceiling tiles of random women who also claimed that they had "found Jesus" and was "waiting for marriage" as well, I found her spiel as believable as the one your boy gives you when he comes out of the closet, or the one a girlfriend gives you as she admits that she is "fucking someone else." I didn't say anything, continued on the date, and later on dropped her off and received a very nice peck on the cheek. I walked away from her door defeated, only to torture myself more by turning around and asking "This is where I would have usually been trying to give you a tonsillectomy without the proper tools, huh??" She giggled, smiled through the crack of the door, and nodded a few times before shutting it.