Wednesday, October 11, 2006

"Chasing Amy" like a motherfucker!!!: My 5th Date..

Call me an old romantic if you'd like, but I for one see the many benefits that come with paying for sex. I mean, the woman in question comes by whenever you call her, her being the master thespian that she is can make you feel as if you are torturing her uterus mid coitus, there are no "is this all you want from me" speeches, she doesn't look down on you if you hum the "Smurfs" theme-song while ejaculating, and post coital cuddling and conversation is the furthest thing from her agenda.(Besides, she might charge extra for that anyways.) I know, I know, paying for the services of a woman who has more dick's in her than the White House isn't exactly the safest thing in the world, but when I peer across the singles landscape it suddenly becomes a pretty viable option. Besides, I have at least 10 friends who are either contemplating suicide, a new found gay lifestyle, starting a new Branch Davidian cult, and even embracing the Kabbalah because they totally hate being married. Then again this is going to sound crazy, but I also don't want to die a lonely old man, imagining my weed-man and all the harlots hoping to get some of my inheritance as the only people at my funeral, pretty fucking depressing. Anyway, on to my 5th date.

Date # 5: The ex Lesbian: When it comes to dating, female bartenders are no different from strippers when its all said and done. Granted, most of those bartenders won't give you a discreet hand-job while they are giving you a lap-dance, but like a stripper they will smile and make you feel like a man just to get some of your hard earned dough. I had this in mind as this bartender named Miki would laugh at all my jokes, even inducing a serious "crotch chubby' by her stroking my hand as she served me drinks. I know the game, I wasn't going to step to her because if she shot me down like a scud missile, going back to said watering hole and getting shitfaced in front of strangers would start to get uncomfortable. Right when I had abandoned any urge to talk her Lane Bryant's off, she said "HumanityCritic, we should hang out some time!!" Quickly, looking at her breasts and salivating like Pavlov's dog I said "Word?? Like a date-date?? Cool, we can go out drinking!!" She scrunched her face up like being hit in the nose with Reuben Studdard's flatulence and said, "I already work at a bar dickhead!!"(The woman had a point)

So a few nights later we went to this uber trendy restaurant, an eating establishment filled with poets who wouldn't know iambic pentameter if they were ass raped by a Poet Laureate, and artists whose paintings looked like those flashcards shrinks show while asking you "what does this look like to you??" This woman seemed like a keeper, the way she joined me in ridiculing people, me going "That lady looks like she was potty trained at gun point!!" to her saying "What bet did that guy lose, with those knee high "Michael Cooper" socks on and shit??" She was funny, her breasts looked like two delectable scoops of chocolate ice cream too big for the cone, an ass that real estate developers could build affordable homes on, and by her being a bartender she was already the perfect enabler for my rampant alcoholism. Flowery visions of bending her over a bar-stool went to us getting married in a drinking establishment, where Norm from "Cheers" would be my best man and Carl would be her maid of honor.

All that came crashing down when out of nowhere she said, "You know I used to be a lesbian right??"

**Disclaimer** Let me pause the story for a second, I totally respect the lesbian community. Besides me being vocal about lesbians having the same rights as everyone else, I used to show my support by going to this lesbian bar named "Metropolis" every night for a three months period a few years back. Ok, that wasn't really about supporting lesbian rights, that was more about getting shitfaced, seeing naked women on stage, and trying to talk lesbians into fucking me by saying "I have a small dick, it wouldn't even count as heterosexual sex!!" Ok, back to the story.**Disclaimer**

I surpassed the "playing it off" act with me covering my ears like a petulant child and screaming, "Why did you have to fucking tell me that??" She seemed taken aback, shook her head and said "Listen, I didn't think it was such a big deal. I was in a lesbian relationship for a few years, but I'm done with that now, I'm interested in men. I thought you would be cool with that!" That's when I said, "You couldn't have kept that shit to yourself?? I mean, I was totally happy with this one young lady until she opened her big mouth and told me that she used to do porn, from that point on I felt sexually inadequate based on all the room I wasn't filling up from all the monster phallus' that were there before me. This other beautiful woman and I were absolutely blissful, that was until she told me that she was on the business end of a 10 man gang-bang, so from that point forward during sex I kept imagining a guy tapping me on the shoulder and screaming "My turn!!"

After she took an extremely large sip out of her wine glass she said, "Ok, what does all that have to do with me motherfucker!!!??" That's when I said, "I'm a jealous guy, not of the "I plan on stalking you while hiding in your bushes with a ninja outfit on" variety but of the "If this waiter gives my woman one more compliment I'm going to see if it's physically possible to fit his entire tray inside his rectum" variety. Throw women into that mix and I would be an emotional wreck!" When she asked, "So its not about my lesbian experiences, it's about your insecurity??" I quickly answered, "Bingo!! Plus, an ex girlfriend of mine left me for a woman a few years ago. Do you know how humiliating that is, not really because it was another woman, but the broad she left me looked like Forrest Whitaker!!"

At the end of the night I think she took our spirited back and forth as an example of my twisted sense of humor, by her jokingly saying "Boy, you've got fucking issues!!", like me doing multiple shots of Yager on a nightly basis while sobbingly saying "My father never loved me!!" wasn't already a dead fucking giveaway. I dropped her off at her house like a gentleman, not because I didn't want to see how she reacted to being fucked by a dude as he jokingly sang Melissa Etheridge songs, but because her mother was visiting from out of town. I gave her a kiss and immediately wanted to act like I was pulling something from my mouth and say, "What is this, a pubic hair??", but I didn't, I showed some restraint. Even though before her door closed I said, "Man, a brother really has to step up his cunnilingus game huh???!!", a sentence that provoked her to roll her eyes in disgust.

12 comments:

dmbmeg said...

this woman pulled an anne heche! i don't get it.

"All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep dickin'"

Mia said...

LOL!!! Man...sorry to hear bout that. I onced dated a guy who said he had been in a relationship with other men but that "phase" was over. All I can say to that is DON"T BELIEVE THE HYPE!!!

He is now happily involved with a man of course!

Sankofa said...

"...an eating establishment filed with poets who wouldn't know iambic pentameter if they were ass raped by a Poet Laureate..."
That is just some funny shit.

Stu said...

The "iambic pentameter" comment was my favourite part of that whole post.

I love your posts.

P said...

I have been incognegro for awhile, I read but can't always comment.

I wanted to congratulate you on your weblog award winner.

Well deserved.

jameil1922 said...

i have a friend who says she wasn't a lesbian, she just had a relationship w/a girl... she dates men now. riiiiiiight. whatever.

"getting married in a drinking establishment" tho?! hilarious. you're bananas.

Wannabe Cynic said...

LOL! Man you can write

David said...

HC, this woman sounds really awesome! So, why don't you think about apologizing and being a bit more accepting of her past lesbian experiences? I know, it is none of my business, but have you considered the possibilities that life with such a woman might offer? For example, she might really enjoy three waying it with other women. You might enjoy that, as well! ;)

Anonymous said...

"10 friends who are either contemplating suicide ... because they totally hate being married" Funny. The thought crossed my mind just last night.

Single and lonely or married and bored. You would think there would HAVE to be a happy medium.

Anyway, great writing as usual.

Brother OMi said...

for some reason when some one says lesbian, i think of Carpman and crew licking the carpet...

spchrist said...

Damn...a woman that fine...was a lesbian. (shakes head).

Anonymous said...

Oh get over it already. Just eat the carpet and enjoy it.So what if she can't take a joke. Great writing.