Monday, August 07, 2006
This week's episode of "HumanityCritic's Asshole Moments"
Despite the words that escape our lips or even appear on our blogs, it is my opinion that people, as a whole, want to be genuinely liked. I mean, as many times as we say that we don't care what people think, you still would like to be a person that people don't mind being around. Listen, I am at peace with people hating me because I chopped them in the throat and snatched the chain off their necks because they talked shit to me, or the many people who hate on this blog because they are either testicle-less cowards or are women who have that stench of death between their legs, so be it. But at the end of the day we all want people to like us, want our opinions to be valued, want people to cherish the friendships that they have with us. Shit, I don't want people at my funeral saying glowing things about me, only for the people in attendance who really knew me to giggle like school girls at the lies being told. Because of this I have made an honest effort to be less of an insufferable prick, but it seems that I can't stop pissing people off. I don't do it on purpose, my mother calls in diarrhea of the mouth because shit flies out of my mouth with reckless abandon, but I seem to rub people the wrong way like a dislexic massage therapist. Last week was a definite setback on my road to political correctness, here are a few examples.
"Mo'nique": People can be scary when it comes how much they like a celebrity, I found this out the hard way last week when I was at a friend's barbecue. I was having a decent conversation with some woman about movies and T.V, we had a lot in common when it came to our personal tastes that I just knew I would one day tell a "..and then she took off her Lane Bryants.." story to tell my friends some time in the future. That was until she went on and on about how she wanted to see some movie entitled "Shadowboxer" where Mo'nique plays a crackhead. My eyes opened wide and I said to the woman, "Mo'Nique plays a crackhead??!! What is she smoking, turkeys??!!" The look on her face after I said that could have cut me in half, soon after she grabbed her plate of food and stormed off while uttering "Bitch ass motherfucker!!" to herself. Hell, I didn't know a Mo'nique fan of that magnitude even existed, Oh well.
My friends pornstar girlfriend: My friend Andre, a dude who I have written about before, has been dating a well known black porn star for over a year now. Sure it was weird at first, being around a woman who I have mercilessly "jerked it" to a million times before, but I really got used to her and I find her to be an amazing person. Let me be honest, she is cool, but I only hang with her because when she's drunk she shows me her tits.(I love boobies!!!) Anyway, recently her, Andre, and myself had went to this trendy restaurant to get something to eat. I forgot what she ordered but it had banana's on it, which made her frown up and say "Ewww, I hate banana's!! I can't stand the taste one bit.." I wasn't trying to piss her or Andre off, which I ended up doing anyways, but I didn't think I was being offensive when I said: "Wait a minute, I once saw a flick where you let three guys splooge in your mouth while you spent the next few moments playing with it, even digesting it when it was all said and done. Not for nothing, but you are the last person in the world I figured for a "picky eater"!" Lets just say the rest of the night was surprisingly quiet after that.
Just a friendly game of Softball: Last week I was in a softball game for my local team that I've played for off and on over past couple of years. The game was going fine in my eyes, I hadn't pissed anyone off or done anything offensive, so as I stepped up to bat in the 9th inning I did so feeling that I had turned a leaf so to speak. I waited for the first pitch, it was too high, waited for the second pitch, it was too low, the third pitch was perfect so I decided to put all my energy behind my swing and see what happened. As soon as I connected with the ball I knew it was a home run, so I stood there for at least 5 seconds in my best Barry Bonds pose and watched it sail over the fence. I slowly jogged the bases, pumping my fists, spinning, pointing at the other team like I had their number, even jumping on home plate to make my point even that much clearer. When I got to the dugout my teammates looked at me in disbelief, because at that time we were now down 16 to 1.
Angry Lesbian: I saw this girl named Jenny that I went to High School with last week at a club that I frequent. She immediately informed me that she was a lesbian now, a fact that I already knew, because she had been shunned by some people because of it and wanted to tell me up front. I assured her that I didn't give a fuck, that I'm tolerant of other people, and that I'm nothing like those knuckle-dragging son's of bitches that we went to High School with. We had a delightful conversation discussing old times, that is when I noticed a young woman circling us like she was a fucking shark and we were her prey. As I was about to say something to this broad Jenny touches me on the arm and says, "Don't mind her, that's my girlfriend Carla and she is a bit of the jealous type.." I nodded and we continued taking for a while, that is when Carla, a woman who had a striking resemblance to that singer of the 1980's Alexander O'Neal, came up on me and said "Don't get any idea's motherfucker, that's my girl and she isn't interested in men anymore. Got that!!??" I should have let it go, just grinned and ignored what she had said, but I couldn't since I'm Humanity F Critic. I turned to Carla and said: "The only reason that Jenny is a lesbian in the first place is because she has had so many men run up in her that she is desensitized by dick!!! Man, you know a girl is "out there" when you know 30 guys personally that she has slept with. She loved the cock, craved it, hell, if she was running for president back then she would be running on a "Pro-Cock" platform. So yeah, I would be insecure like a motherfucker if I was you as well!! You got that!" I turned to Jenny and she had a look of horror on her face, lets just say our nice conversation was abruptly cut short.