Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The one that got away...

I know that the last thing that a female wants to be compared to is a fish, so those who are offended just remember that "the one that got away" is just a figure of speech. I have done my fair share of sabotaging relationships in my past but here are a few examples of exemplary women that I let slip through my fingers.

Sara: It seems like it was only yesterday that I first met Sara in one of my college classes a little bit more than a decade ago. We got paired up to do a project and I was in love as soon as I saw her. She was blind, but the didn't stop her from having a sense of humor about it or crushing her thirst for life. That was definitely during a period of my life where monogamy wasn't even in my vocabulary, but I was committed to spending the rest of my life with her. As I remember it she got all of my jokes, when I said that dating her made me feel like Lionel Richie in that "Hello" video she laughed so hard she spit her drink in my face. She was one of a kind, but there always has to be something that throws a monkey wrench in the program. Her parents totally objected and made it clear to me that they didn't like me, I think they even ordered her to stop seeing me. Her father even came to my residence and threatened me with physical violence if I didn't stop seeing her. The mere fact that I didn't paralyze his ass made me realize how much I loved Sara. We stayed together for a little while after that but she was always stressed out and scared that her parents would stop paying for her schooling if she didn't stop seeing me. At the time, because her future was bright and I didn't want her to throw away her future because of me, I thought it was in her best interest that we break up. Tears flowing down her face as she tightly embraced me she said, "You don't have to do this!! It doesn't have to be like this!" Even as I type this I feel that memory carved in my brain forever. I remember going home after breaking up with her and crying like a baby, sobbing while looking at myself at a bathroom mirror. That is one of the few times I have cried over a woman, somehow I don't feel embarrassed admitting that. Looking back, I should of fought for her and not taken the easy way out. For a guy that at one time had no problem fighting three guys during a confrontation, I sure can be a pussy.

Samantha: Sam was a girl that I met through my good friend Janeane. Back when I had aspirations of being a hip hop artist, I would go to New York with Janeane and meet with producers and try to record demos and shit. We used to stay at Janeane's grandmothers house in Newark New Jersey whenever we tried to take on the Big Apple with our dreams of being world famous MC's. Samantha was a friend of Janeane's who I think liked me damn near immediately. She was a beautiful Jamaican girl who, I think, was going to school to be a pilot. I really fumbled the ball on this one. For one thing, when she came down to Virginia to specifically see me I think I saw her once out of the four days she was here. Secondly, when I went to Jersey one time with Janeane I had gotten sick while I was there. Sam nursed me back to health, cooked for me, gave me some sort of Jamaican ginger root remedy, and held me in her arms while I slept.(As I write this I realize that I am one big colossal fuck up) I didn't reciprocate the same emotion towards her and eventually she drifted away.A couple of years ago I asked janeane how Sam was doing and she didn't know and said that she would find out for me. I told her, "I hope she is single, because i really fucked up with that" A day later janeane had informed me that Sam was married and had three kids, Janeane was sure to add "and she is extremely happy" as the final seasoning. To add insult to injury, Janeane told me that Sam wanted to let me know that I will "find someone one day". I know that she meant it in the most positive way imaginable but it felt like salt being poured in a open wound.

Mary: Mary was a born again Christian that I met a friends house years ago. I know its wrong to do, but I figured that because she was a "Jesus freak" that she would be nuttier than squirrel shit but she was totally sane. Mary came from a abusive family, so any type of violence whether it be real or fiction disturbed her greatly. I swear, during the tenure of our relationship I must of seem every romantic comedy and Disney movie that a brother has ever been subjected to. I was doing very well cleaning up my language and suppressing my hunger and need to beat someones ass. The whole thing came to a head when Mary and I was leaving a restaurant one night. Two gentlemen, one of them I barely knew, began to verbally harass us as we walked to the car. They said some shit like "Girl, you need real men like us!" I knew that she was against any type of confrontation so for the first time in my life I shut my mouth and walked to the car. I remember Mary praising me for my restraint as I took her home. As I drove away from her house the mere fact that those two motherfuckers would disrespect me like that got me heated. It was eating away at me like battery acid pour directly on the skin. Becoming enraged, I picked up my boy Mark and we headed directly to the restaurant that Mary and I had just left. We waited outside until the two men had exited the building and beat the shit out of them like they had stolen money from me. As I pounded one of the guys while saying "Why aren't you talking shit now?!!", I look up and see Mary's friend who worked there looking shocked at my violent display. Suffice it to say that when Mary found out she wasn't pleased at all. Basically, our relationship ended when I went back to fight those two men.
(*Side-note* One of the guys I beat up that night is a good friend to me now. Life is funny sometimes)

Yolanda: I met her soon after I got out of a five year relationship so the timing couldn't be better. We were in a sports bar watching the 76ers when they were destined for the NBA finals with Iverson leading the way. From day one I was worthless to her because I had just got destroyed by my ex so I didn't give her the attention she deserved. She had everything, smarts, beauty, love for real hip hop, and she loved sports, what more can you want? But somehow, because I can find a way to "fuck up a free lunch" as Kanye says, I messed this relationship up as well. Its weird though, and I know I can't accurately explain it here but I'll try. It seems that with certain things whether it be in front of a crowd, talking to a woman, or whatever, I have pretty high self esteem. But with certain women I have dated I really think that they would be better off without me, I feel that I would infect them like a cancer and fuck their lives up. It's kind of like my band, let me explain: When people come to one of my band's shows and see how I am on stage, arrogant, brash, cocky, sure of himself, that is one thing. But I always feel weird when I see a fan of our band in a social situation because I would hate for them to be disappointed with the "real" me. (Damn, this post is getting sappy real quick, my bad.) Please excuse the melodrama but I really feel that way. I guess having someone know the real me is a scary predicament I guess. Some would say that my explanation is cowardice, that I should defeat my fears head on, and I wouldn't disagree with those sentiments whatsoever.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Let my Ex Girlfriends Tell It...

Coming home a few weeks ago from practicing with my band, I crashed on the couch and I start watching the John Cusack movie "High Fidelity". Granted I have seen it before but it was late and I knew that nothing else was on the other channels. During the movie, John Cusack's character gets dumped by his girlfriend and he wants to talk to all of his ex's to see where he could have gone wrong, and discuss their past relationships with him. That sparked an idea that I had to contact a few of my ex's and have them break down what their feelings about me are concerning our past relationship. I told each one to email their response to me, to be open and honest, and that I wouldn't respond negatively to what they had to say. Lets just say be careful what you wish for. But hell, I figure that I rip into people on a regular basis, so lets have people who actually know me take shots at me. Lord knows I probably deserve it. All of the following paragraphs are their actual responses, and they all knew that I would post these albeit anonymously. Some of these have been edited, not for content but for length.

Girlfriend A
Current Status: In a committed relationship
"You wanted to know how U were in the relationship? OK. in the beginning you were like a best friend because you would always come around and chill and my entire family loved you because you were all around a nice guy. I thought you were such the nice guy I tried to hook you up with my friends when it was me that secretly wanted you so bad. Then I thought about so hard that you finally came around yeeeeeah. And you were so sweet even though it would be late @ night you would come visit me and we just talk. U WERE NOCTURNAL N*GGA.... But then you turned my world upside down when you became distant for some reason you weren't reaching out to me like before. Still to this day I don't know what it is or what happened. You were very inconsiderate of my feelings. BUT I felt abandoned like when my pops was gone. You were my encouragement my pillar my covering and you just did not come around like that. I understood you were busy and all but I really needed you. All I knew is YOU HURT ME MAN! Then as time went on and i got independent the sun was shining brighter I got myself together and asked you to move with me because i figured that would make us even closer. AND YOU DID AND YOU WERE STILL DISTANT. It never really felt as if you lived there because you were always gone and I could not understand it. YOU WERE Mysterious. If we were in LA I would have called that show CHEATERS on your ass. You would be gone all odd hours in the night (hence your email address (latenightwhatnot) uh huh...... I always thought of you as husband material but the LONER in you made it impossible for us....I felt like you had secrets... And even to this day when I get on the phone with you its like your still my best friend though."

Girlfriend B
Current Status: Engaged
"First of all I can't believe you have me doing this shit but here goes. What can I say, you are the most complex dude I have ever met. I learned one thing from you though, if a guy tells you that he's a jerk he probably isn't lying.LOL You were sweet and considerate in the beginning but your erratic behavior was troubling. You treated me with respect and you would never lay your hand on a woman, but the stuff that came out of your mouth was shocking. Remember when you cursed my dad out for voting and supporting Reagan? Remember when you hit that dude with a chair because he pinched my ass? Remember when you poured a pitcher of beer on a friend of mine because she called you a "low life scum"? Seriously, you are a bright guy with a obvious talent but back then you had serious issues. You had anger management issues, and I really think you have a sexual addiction too.(you will probably edit this part out) I liked feeling wanted but your ass was always trying to dig in me. But you were faithful as far as I know and you kept me laughing. To be honest I thought that you were the biggest asshole that I would ever date but I have been with some guys after you that made you look like a saint."

Girlfriend C
Current Status: Married, two kids
"You were a sweet guy that was considerate, kind, and would do anything for me. You were like 18 right?? You brought me flowers, and we always went out and had a great time. Looking back you were a perfect gentleman, not the bitter ass man you became by reading your blog.(just playing) I truly loved you but I was young and stupid. Like all females who are young and stupid I cheated on you and I have since learned that you were devastated. When you called me to do this it was good to hear from you, but I still feel guilty because of what I did to you. My husband and I laughed when I told him that you said that I had "ruined short lightskin girls" for you for years. I'm sorry honey. Your blog is funny though, you have turned into a very intelligent man. One thing that stick out at me when I broke up with you though. Even though I knew you were hurt, you never let on that it affected you. It was like you didn't want to give me the satisfaction of knowing you were hurt, even a hard ass back then. I am married with a couple of kids, but knowing you don't hate me is a weight off of my shoulders. I know it sounds silly."

Girlfriend D
Current Status: Married, 4 kids
"I finally get a chance to talk about you and you can't respond? OK. There are so many words to describe you and I won't be nice about it. You are a poet, con-man, lover, fighter, genius, thug, saint, bastard, philosopher, incoherent shit talker, sarcastic, wise, belligerent, I could go on. For one thing you think that your opinion is the gospel; and everyone else's' is irrelevant. I would bet good money that 85% of the fights you have been in could have been avoided if you just walked away. Lets get back to the point at hand, you cheated on me and that is what makes you a bastard. But what makes it even worse is that you were such a great bullshitter you had me believing that you were innocent until after our relationship. My best friend saw you with another woman and you had me thinking that she was lying to me. FUCK YOU!! I don't know where these emotions are coming from but you just bring out the worst in some people. You even beat up my brother when he calmly asked you about our relationship!! Asshole! It has been years since we dated, and you seen like a different guy now but that doesn't excuse your behavior man. I should have known you were a loser when you wouldn't let me meet your mom."

(*Ok, I know I said I wouldn't respond but I have to set something straight. Her brother attacked me with a switchblade in a bar one night, that is why he got beat up*)

Public Service Announcement Concerning "Blog Pet Peeves"

Rant of the Day

I know that people can do whatever they want with their blog, and I would never tell somebody what to do. Listen, I have no problems with the owner of a blog making comments on their own post, addressing people and their comments. Hell, I have done that on several occasions. But the one thing that irritates me is when you go to someone's blog and you see that they have like 40 comments on their post. You figure, "Cool, I want to see what people were saying about this particular piece." But when you get there you see that the 32 of the comments were made by the owner of the blog himself/herself. I mean come on, couldn't a handfull of comments addressing people be enough? But then again I would never tell people what to do on their blogs, maybe I should mind my business.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Complete Idiots Guide to having a Black Friend

I know that I give my republican friend Danny an ample amount of shit concerning his politics and some of his idiosyncrasies, but I have to give him credit today. During the tenure of our friendship he has said some incredibly dumb things, but none of those things had anything to do with race or stereotypes so I appreciate that fact. I know that anybody, black or white, who doesn't have experience being around someone of another race may have certain misconceptions, but for Christs sake it is 2005 man! Through my personal experience of encountering specific idiocy, I created a guide to anyone you know who is racially challenged.

1)Not a compliment Part 1: I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "You are pretty cool for a black guy!". What in the fuck does that mean exactly? So you are telling me that the entire race that I belong to is virtually worthless and I am the only motherfucker that you have ever found cool?? How despicable. Granted, I haven't heard this recently but I heard this a lot as a kid.

2)Not a compliment Part 2: I know Chris Rock covered this but it is so very true, when people say "You are so well spoken!" that has to be the most offensive shit ever. What did you expect to come out of my mouth exactly? Did you think I would carry on like Mush-mouth from Fat Albert and shit?? Thats what happens when people get their concept of what black folks are from music videos.

3)"Talking Black": I have actually had people of other races say "You talk white", which is offensive when it comes out of the mouths of black folks as well. Let me break this down for the black folks that have involved themselves in this idiocy of "talking black" also. OK, Arthur Ashe, to many people of the douchebag variety "talked white", but his activism and his love for black culture made him "blacker" than Jay-Z or any garden variety asshole who you feel is "black" today. Matter of fact, I want to systematically assassinate any black person who involves themselves in this bullshit argument. To measure blackness based on your colloquialism is downright foolishness, and if you do that then your sorry ass better watch less B.E.T

4)My Hair Part 1: How many years have dreadlocks been part of popular culture?? Millions of people know who Bob Marley is right? OK, so why do many people say, "Oh, I absolutely love your braids!!" Stevie Wonder had braids during the 70's, I think that fruity ass Leroy from "Fame" had braids during that show, what I have is not braids goddammit!! But black folks do the same shit, and I hate to be such a hard ass but motherfucker you should know better.

5)My Hair Part 2:(This goes to black folks as well) When did it become OK for a total stranger to come up to you and pull your hair? Never you say? Great, that doesn't give you the license to touch, pull, tug, or stroke someone's hair simply because they have dreadlocks. If you want to feel my hair or touch it, especially if you are a prime piece of ass, simply ask first. But remember, I am not a fucking puppy! I can't tell you how many times I had to curse someone the fuck out simply because they pulled my hair randomly.

6)Blacks hate Bush: Granted, there is a despicable group of black Americans who like Bush, but those are self hating fuckers and they are not to be trusted any way. I can't tell you how many white women I have encountered, that date black men, who are far right wing republicans. I always want to tell them, "You didn't get the memo?? You gotta read that dude's instructional manual, he hates Bush Are you sure you didn't get the handbook?" People can believe in any political Ideology they want, I just find it kind of strange that's all.

7)I am not your bodyguard!: Why do people think that all black folks can fight? The other day, after hearing Danny's Death Metal band perform(torture), we all went to have a few drinks. I sort of know his band-mates, and when they had some words with a drunken patron one of Danny's band-mates said, "We will be OK, HumanityCritic has our back!" What motherfucker?? I barely know you, for all you know I could be a punk. I can't front though Danny does the same thing, he gets what I call "Urban Courage" when I am around but I let it pass because he has actually seen me knock dudes out.

8)Racist Teacher: I know that this doesn't exactly fit on this list so excuse my rant. My old man was absolutely conflicted. He was born in 1937 in Sumter South Carolina, so he saw real racism, not that "I can't get a cab shit" as Chris Rock so eloquently put it. He was witness to "Whites only" establishments and saw people lynched for Christs sake. He was conflicted because he spent 30 years in the Navy and had many great experiences with people of all races, so he battled the bad experiences with the good constantly. There is one lesson that he taught me early on that was pretty much prophetic. When I was in grade school he said, "There will be teachers that will say "HC, you got a C, very good!" and that same teacher will go to another student and say, "Bobby, you got a B, you can do much better". Don't fall for that shit!" I have issues with my old man till this day, but boy was he right.

9)The "N" Word: I wont get into any lengthy analytical discussions about the history of the "N" word or anything, I will just address it very simply. Black folks shouldn't even say the word, but at no point should anyone of any other race ever call me that. The most idiotic argument I hear is, "But why can't I say it?" But my question is, "Motherfucker, why would you want to say it??" All groups call themselves terms of endearment that are only cool in their specific circles, but if someone outside their circle says it then there is trouble. I have two friends, one Mexican and one Puertorican, who call themselves Latin slurs all the time. I know better than to utter the same slurs their way. Two women I know call each other "bitches", but I would never call them that. It is that simple.

10)Idiotic Questions: When someone would ask me something idiotic I used to brush it off and say, "They just don't know better" But goddammit, it's 2005 for Christs sake, no more excuses. If you have to ask a black person "Does your hair get wet?" or "Do you wash your dreadlocks?", something is seriously wrong with you and it makes me want to put on steel toe boots and kick you dead in the motherfucking chest.(I won't harm you though) I was watching 60 Minutes a while back and something disturbed me. You know that old fuck Andy Rooney, who does a editorial at the end of each show, well he said something like "Why do they have to have "B.E.T"? Why do they have to have a "Miss Black America"? If white people had these things Jesse Jackson and every black group would cause a fuss" Mr. Rooney, let me first say "Fuck you"! That being said, what about the years where black folks were excluded from programming altogether, or the vast amount of stations that don't represent black folks as a whole. I object to B.E.T's programming, but to bitch about the name of said network is pretty idiotic.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Vomiting for Distance

I went to a party that my college friend Terry was throwing. He usually throws the best parties because he has the best food, free liquor is always nice, and his wife is a self described "ex slut" so her friends that attend his functions look like they just came from a lil John video shoot. As I hung out with some old friends, drinking and discussing old times, I met a nice a nice woman named Anna. Anna was upset that her husband was cheating on her and she discussed a desire to get even with him. I quickly got the hint that she wanted to get to know me "biblically" to get even with her husband, and she was fine so I was flattered. Even though the thought of "waxing that ass like Rain Dance"(as Ice Cube put it) crossed my mind, I declined because having sex with a married woman might fuck up my Karma meter even more.

I guess since getting miscellaneous penis was out of the question, Anna proceeded in drinking like a fish, throwing back shot after shot. I told her to slow down but she ignored my warnings and kept on drinking. After a while she was stumbling everywhere, and as I tried to help her she screamed "I'm about to throw up!!" I rushed her to the bathroom, and when she was about 3 feet from the toilet vomit shot out of her mouth like a ghetto-weave wearing version of the exorcist. As I held her head and noticed the hair tracks in my fingers while she was throwing up, and I saw that she apparently had corn sometime that evening, I thought about the embarrassing times that I lost my lunch.(Side-note to that story* After she vomited she still wanted me to go home with her, after I saw the contents of her stomach laying in a toilet.)

Me and my Cousin: Me and my cousin had the best relationship, he was clearly like a second brother to me. We would get into all types of immature mischief on a regular basis, like throwing eggs at pedestrians, we would act a fool in the mall until one person would be embarrassed, and we used to throw baggies filled with lotion on the windshield of our buddies car just for laughs while we were driving.(See, it is a persons natural reaction to put on their wipers whenever anything hits their windshield. Well, if you do that with lotion then your entire windshield is covered and you can't see shit. I know, very dangerous) Anyway, we had got the bright idea to see if we could drink two 40 oz's a piece one night. We chilled in my room, threw back the 40's and listened to some hip hop. I noticed that my cousin had stopped after the first 40 which was a smart move. Even though I wasn't the drinker that I am today, I downed both 40's like I said I would. The funny thing about that night is that I audio-taped the entire episode, us getting drunk and acting absolutely silly. Do you know what else is on that audiotape?? Me throwing up, screaming "Brendan, I need your help! I keep throwing up!" He was knocked out as I threw up for 15 minutes, finally falling asleep on the toilet. I woke up with my face flush, my eyes bloody red, and my t-shirt that I had thrown up on was filled with holes because of the stomach acids that ate through that motherfucker. Somewhere I have a tape of that whole debacle, that I will actually share if I can find it.

Buddy: My boy Buddy was a professional drinker and that is a compliment. One night we had went to a club together where we had drink after drink. After a while my mouth started to water, which is a sign that vomiting was around the corner if I continued drinking, so I promptly stopped to save the embarrassment. The Buddy got into a altercation with some jackass, so when his boy tried to sucker punch Buddy I stopped that dead in its tracks and punched the shit out of dude. That physical activity almost made me upchuck, but I held it back. "That was close", I thought as I figured that I avoided throwing up. Then I go to use the bathroom and Buddy is in there washing his hands. We are talking about something, and mid-sentence he says "Excuse me critic", throws up in the sink, and then continues talking like nothing happened. The smell of his vomit pushed me over the edge and I threw up all over myself. The smell was horrendous, so much in fact that Buddy made me throw my shirt away and sit my black ass in the back of his truck. It was embarrassing, but I understand. Rest in Peace Buddy.

My Breakfast in Bed: I had dated a chick named Carla for a few months a few years back. Carla was cool, one of the first girls that I seriously thought about getting married to. I'm not going to lie, I like to drink, but Carla had a alcoholic father that was abusive so she detested alcohol on every level. I am not the one to change for a girl, but for some reason I hid the fact that I drank around her. I figured that not drinking isn't a bad thing, so it was a win-win situation at the end of the day. I was the perfect gentleman with Carla, we hadn't had sex yet but after a while a brother had smurf nuts so something had to give. So a night that I wasn't with Carla I was hanging with Danny, getting shit-faced as usual. I had no plans to see Carla, so I figured it was safe to have a few too many. I stumble in the house and as soon as I sit down Carla calls me. She informs me that she wants me to come over for a little "latenightwhatnot"(yes, that is also my email Addy) so I brush my teeth, damn near drink some Listerine, and head over there. When I got there we had sex, and since liquor is ghetto Viagra, I was in rare form that night. We both fall asleep and that was that, right? Wrong! Apparently I had thrown up on myself while I was asleep, I know this because I woke up to a beautiful woman screaming "Oh NO, you motherfucker!! Get your ass out, NOW!!!" How embarrassing, but I gathered my shit and began to leave. The fucked up part is that she was wearing some tiny ass drawls and a tight ass t-shirt, I noticed her "ensemble" as she slammed the door on my face.

Track Practice: Do you know what is worse than throwing up when you are drunk? Throwing up due to physical exhaustion, that's the worse. When I was in high school I ran the 100m Dash, the 200, 400 meter relay, long jump, and triple jump. I used to love going to track meets, doing well, seeing the thoroughbred legs of female sprinters, and flirting with girls who attended the track meets. The part that I used to dread was at the beginning of the season when you had to get in shape. My track coach would run us to death, we would have to run a few miles at a time, and if you didn't run the 400m in a particular time he would make you do it until he was satisfied. No one ever attended our track practices but for some reason, only god knows why, the girl that I had a crush on named Wendy sat in the stands as we worked out. She came to the toughest practice that we had that year, as my coach made us pull his hillbilly ass in a god-damed sled for about a half hour.(Even though my coach wasn't racist, but now you couldn't pay me to get harnessed and pull a white man around as he curses at me. I guess watching "Roots" had a definite impact) The workout was making me nauseous, and I told my coach that I was about to throw up. I guess being a track coach for 30 years and hearing every excuse in the book to get out of a workout had hardened him, so he assumed I was full of shit. A few minutes later, with Wendy looking on, the cheer-leading squad practicing nearby, and the women soccer team running on the same track, I threw up the entire contents of my stomach. Chocolate Milk, chicken Patty, french fries, whatever the fuck I had for lunch that day. To add insult to injury, I could hear Wendy laughing when my coach said, "When you get done throwing up, clean that shit up and come back to practice. You have a few more miles to do!"

There has to be someone more qualified??

What is up with Bush's appointees and Republicans in general? Recently it came out that Dr. W. David Hager, a obstetrician-gynecologist and Bush Administration appointee to the Advisory Committee for Reproductive Health Drugs in the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), was accused by his ex-wife Linda Davis, that between the years of 1995 and 2002, Hager repeatedly sodomized her without her consent. This is a Bush Appointee and he is committing Marital Rape, that's a felony motherfucker. Bill Maher had a funny quote, he said, "Great. A vagina doctor who can't find a vagina."

Spokane, Washington state’s Republican mayor, Jim West, has been a strong opponent of gay rights and someone who saw government as an arbiter of private sexual behavior. He has tried to ban gay men and women from working in day-care centers and some state agencies and proposed a bizarre law that would have criminalized sex between underage youths. But it came out that this motherfucker is a closeted gay man who frequently logged on to "gay.com" to specifically meet young men. Why is it always the most homophobic scum that turn out to be the biggest queens?

The appointment of Alberto Gonzalez is another one. When he was Governor Bush's counsel in Texas, Gonzales also reviewed all clemency requests. It is said that Gonzales gave insufficient counsel, failed to take into consideration many factors concerning the defendants, and actively worked against clemency in a number of borderline cases. (The state of Texas executed more prisoners during Gonzales' term, and still has more prisoners on death row, than any other state.) It can be said that innocent men died during Gonzalez's tenure as Bush's counsel. This is a guy we want as our Attorney General??

Monday, May 23, 2005

Showing someone the business end of my fist..

I had the weirdest conversation with a childhood friend named Trevor yesterday. Trevor is the epitome of lost potential, because dude is a genius but somehow has turned himself into a career criminal. You know how Malcolm X said that some of the best minds in the world are out there, but some people never realize their potential? Well that is Trevor. Anyway, Trevor is about to do a 1 year prison stint for some random crime, so he came over to talk to me I guess. When he came over we talked about old times, his upcoming prison sentence, politics, and the list that he had brought with him. The list he had in his possession was, as he described it, people he "Wanted to beat up" before he went to prison. I tried to dissuade him from beating anyone up before his prison time but he was dead set on his goal. That encounter with Trevor inspired the following post. I know I'm 31, and I shouldn't be fighting anyone, but here are a few individuals who I wouldn't mind showing the business end of my fist.

Bartenders boyfriend: I went to my neighborhood bar a few months back where I witnessed a fight between the bouncer at the time(a black guy named Dave) and the boyfriend of the bartender.(a guy named Greg) Around 2:00 Dave did the right thing and asked the customers to give up their drinks, but Greg and his boys gave Dave some shit, and I even think they told him to "fuck off". Granted, Dave should have acted with more restraint but that didn't stop him from punching the shit out of Greg and two of his partners. Greg tried to square up and fight Dave but he was no match as Dave tattooed his face with a shitload of jabs. As Greg and his boys left said establishment, more "niggers" came out of the mouth than a gangsta rap album. A week after that, since Greg knows I was there when those racial slurs came out of his mouth, he made it his business to explain himself. I started to hear him out, but when I realized that I was giving him the chance to explain his usage of the word "nigger" I basically waived him off. I guess he feels disrespected, because he has been giving me dirty looks and talking shit about me to certain people. I'm surprised that I haven't kicked his ass yet, but my friendship with his girlfriend is the only thing saving his ass. This past Saturday I saw him again and he said some smart shit to me where I gave him the standard "We could always handle this outside" comment. I warned his girlfriend that Greg was about to catch a bad one and she begged me not to do anything. All that being said, I really want to kick his ass.

Toby Keith: I will admit that I am not a country and Western fan, but I respect the art-form and the artist who put their heart and soul in it. It is artists like Toby Keith that make his genre a literal laughing stock. It doesn't matter to me that he is one of the most popular artists, his music is sickening with all the Pro Bush pandering. All the faux patriotism that is promoted in his songs is simply vomit inducing. When the war started he had a song entitled "Boot in your ass" talking about the Iraqi people and what we should do to them. Great Toby, endorse the killing of thousands of innocent people, nice! Also, he had a feud with the Dixie Chicks simply because they showed displeasure for our current president of the United States. I don't know, but hearing his corny ass songs flooded with jingoism and faux patriotism makes me want to beat his ass in the worst way.

A fucking Bum: In no way am I bitter about a past relationship, and the way it ended. I am even cordial with that particular ex, so there are no ill feelings there. But there is one thing that I can't let go and that is disrespect. See, I actually met the guy that she left me for a week before our breakup. When she had returned from Baltimore with some guys that I knew were her friends, a new guy named Alpha came along for the ride. This dude was in the apartment that me and her shared, we shook hands, we laughed and joked, you name it. Well, this guy would be the man that my ex would leave me for. Here is the problem that I have: This motherfucker knew that he and my lady had something going on and still had the audacity to enter my home and smile in my face? I know this incident happened a few years ago, and I should have the same contempt for my ex girlfriend, but for some reason I can't let that shit go. To this day, if I was to see that panhandler by the name of Alpha, I would beat him within a inch of his life for the disrespect he showed me. I know its silly and downright immature, but some people just need to get their ass kicked.

Chris Tucker: OK, i really don't want to beat him up. But I have to ask, does he only do "Rush Hour" movies?? I mean, I know you get 20 million each time you do one of those movies and that's great, but have you ever thought about taking another role? But then again he is rich as fuck and I am a 31 year old undersexed blogger, what the fuck do I know?

Shaquille O'Neal: Disclaimer(I am a Kobe Bryant fan) We have gone through about a 2 year period of constant Kobe hatred and I would argue that for some reason he is one of the most vilified figures in sports. Finding a positive story on Bryant is as hard as finding a black republican with a legitimate point of view. Whatever your feelings on Bryant, or his actions, your argument might be legitimate. The problem that I have is with Shaq and his constant bitching about Kobe and the Lakers. For someone who claims that he doesn't think about Kobe all that much, his ass sure does talk about him as much as he can. Shaq reminds me of a scarred lover, who keeps stalking you and driving by your house, its over motherfucker! Shaq is in a better place now and his team is in the playoffs while Kobe is watching the playoffs on TV. Shaq is talked about positively in the press while Kobe is the second coming to O.J when it comes to media coverage. It is my opinion that kicking someone when they are down is just pure cowardice, some would even say a "bitch move". I would like to beat Shaq's ass for his constant bitching but he could probably take me.

Bill O'Reilly: This guy personifies the word "douchebag" in every single way. Besides his show being filled with misinformation, he tries to convince his viewers that he is a "independent" even though his targets include the ACLU, Jesse Jackson, Hip Hop, Bill Clinton, and George Soros.(all right wing targets) Not only will he selectively edit his show to make him have the advantage during a debate, but he will attempt to bully people by yelling and finger pointing. He hasn't attacked Ludacris lately, but that's probably because of the sexual harrassment allegations against him concerning one of his employees. I would pay good money to be able to fight this jackass for at least five minutes.(Its my experience that bully's go down the quickest)

Friday, May 20, 2005

Taking a Nostalgic look back...

The other day I was having a conversation with a young dude who had to be around 19. I was refreshed that he liked some of the same groups that I presently enjoy, groups like The Roots, Common, and Mos Def. The mere fact that he didn't sing the praises of idiots like lil John or Mike Jones gave me hope concerning the younger generation. That hope quickly turned into frustration when I discovered that he didn't know who "A Tribe Called Quest" was, or any other prominent Hip Hop group pre 1995. It even seems that people my age are forgetting about the old school and things we enjoyed back in the day. The following post is a reminder of Hip Hop past, whether it be groups, clothing, or culture, so we will never forget the old school.


Shell Toe Adidas: These are shoes that I still wear until this day. As soon as Run DMC came out with "My Adidas" and rocking the shell toes, I was a life long consumer. Whether you rocked them with the fat laces, or no laces at all, it was and still is classic Hip Hop apparel. I remember being at a Run DMC concert as a kid and Run telling everyone to put their Adidas in the air. All you saw was a sea of Shell Toes as far as the eye could see. I am not one to promote any product like that, but I will be a Shell toe wearer until my final days.

Bomber Jackets: This one item of clothing gave my mother fits. There was a kid that got killed for his bomber jacket in a neighboring city so my mother wasn't about to get me one.(Damn news!) After weeks of asking she finally buckled and got me one, but a day after she purchased it another kid had gotten killed for his jacket. She wanted to take it back, but she didn't, but it was weird because each day she would say to me "You aren't going to wear THAT jacket are you?" I have never seen a article of clothing evoke so much fear. I love you mom!

Diamond D: We can't forget about Diamond D, the producer/rapper who dropped the classic album "Stunts, Blunts, and Hip Hop". That album was a Hip Hop classic and should never be forgotten. I like Kanye West, but Diamond D is the best producer slash rapper simply because I found out that Kanye had a ghostwriter on at least a couple of his songs. There was no ghostwriter for Diamond, as far as I know, so he stands out in my humble opinion. It is a shame that the younger generation will probably never know who Diamond D is, or hear this amazing album.

Fat Laces: I was going through a old box of stuff the other day and I found a pair of florescent laces that I used to wear back in the day. I guess I was feeling nostalgic, so I put the laces in my Shell toe Adidas and went about my day running errands and whatnot. Why do you seem to see the most attractive members of the opposite sex when you are wearing something questionable? I quickly learned that my stroll down memory lane was a mistake, but I remember when rocking fat laces were the coolest thing ever.

First Pair of Air Jordan's: Since my mother would not shell out the cash to get said sneaker, I think a relative had given me a pair for Christmas or something. I was the first kid in my school to have them, which ended up being a royal pain in the ass. For one thing people would hate on me and try to ruin your kicks by stepping on them on purpose. Also, I was so scared that someone would try steal them during gym class I ran all the way to my hall locker, put a special lock on it, and placed them inside. Lastly, my school was the last school in the world to be considered "dangerous", but a couple kids actually tried to physically take my sneakers. I loved those shoes, but they made me a walking target.

X-Clan: "Van-glorious! This is protected by the red, the black,and the green. With a key, Sissies!!!" I used to absolutely love that shit coming from this conscious Hip Hop group of the early 90's. They were a bit cartoony for my taste, but you couldn't deny the African history and politics that they injected into their music. In a way I kind of miss wearing those bulky ass black Africa medallions. They probably will only be mentioned briefly in the history books because Public Enemy and Boogie Down Production were simply better artists who were more successful conveying their message. But by no means should X-Clam be forgotten.

Kangol Hats: When I saw LL Cool J Bust into that room, say "Box!", and bust a rhyme in the movie "Krush Grove" I knew I had to have a Kangol. Even though the thing never looked right on my head, I sported my kangol with pride. I had a "conspiracy theory" relative who claimed that Kangols were "made by the clan, and they were tricking young black males into wearing their clothes." I guess he was saying that the Kangol was a new school clan hat, but I wasn't buying that. Not to get off on a tangent here, but were the claims that the "Troop" Jackets were made by the clan ever verified?? Just wondering..

Jheri Curl: On this blog I have expressed the most intimate details of my life, being introspective from day ONE. I have told you good people about my rocky relationship with my father, my inability to fill a magnum size condom, and the few times I have gotten my ass kicked. But the following sentence is by far the hardest for me to admit to: I once had a jheri curl! Yes, that's right, the HumanityCritic once wore a shower cap to bed.(I can't believe I'm admitting this) I was a kid though and my old man wanted me to get one in the worst way. I'll tell you one thing though, no 10 year old boy should ever be subjected to wearing curlers and sitting under a fucking dryer. The jheri curl had to be maintained, and I was lazy about it so it quickly turned into a debacle. Being that I hardly took care of my new "hairstyle" it ended up looking like dried ass wheat after a while.

House Parties: Being a 31 year old man, the parties I go to are nothing like the ones when I was younger. Then, I would see sexy girls in tight Jordace jeans, wearing those huge door knocker earrings. The music was always slamming, and there was a chance that I would get some "late night loving" from one of the girls in attendance. The sounds of Biz Markie, MC Lyte, Stetsasonic, Superlover Cee-Cassanova Rudd, 3XDope, and various other groups would delightfully fill the air as I danced the night away. NOW, every function that I go to now doesn't have any music, the food is mostly horrible, and the people in attendance are so dreadful that I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. I went to a function last week where a woman was telling me that more black folks should vote republican and that Condi Rice was her personal hero. When she asked me what I thought about Ms. Rice I eloquently said the following: "You mean Aunt Tomasina?? Fuck her! She doesn't have the best interests of black folks in mind, and I won't praise her because she is black and in a high position. Plus she is incompetent, fuck her!" Man, I miss the sight of tightly worn Jordace jeans.

Goodbye Reggie

I'm not going to sit here and front, I spent about 80% of Reggie Miller's 18 year career rooting against him. Also, I admittedly wanted the Pacers to lose against the Pistons, only because I feel that Detroit has a better chance to beat Miami and that 300 pound bitch named Shaquille O'Neal. But after I saw how his team, because of his leadership, was able to advance so far despite having lost one of their best players for the entire season, I have to give Miller props. Plus the guy had ice in his veins when it came to shooting the rock. I never saw a guy that could go 0 for 13 in a game, and still shoot it as if he was on a shooting streak. His deadly three point accuracy was amazing, and his classic battles with the Knicks, and for the matter Spike Lee, was a definite sight to see. A person would also be hard pressed to see another player who works so hard on both sides of the ball. Even though he never was able to get a ring, he had a amazing career, and the fact that he is leaving the game as a still productive player is honorable. You had a good run Reg.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Warning signs: You may have a porn addiction!

Like all addicts you never think you have a problem, addiction was always a problem that "other people" had. It either takes a "moment of clarity" to either see what you are doing to yourself, or friends and loved ones who are tired of your porn addiction coming together and confronting you in a intervention style. Well, people in my life came together and let me clearly see that I had a problem, and now I see the error in my ways. Fully rehabilitated, I feel that I can help some of you dealing with the same sickness that almost ruined my life. Because I care for all of you, I outlined a helpful guide pointing out the warning signs so you can identify the symptoms, hopefully helping someone before its too late.

1) Having "Bat Cave" Hiding places: Most men who live with a woman know that if you want to keep your porn around that you better have a hiding place for it or it will cease to exist, that's a given. Well, when I was living with someone I used to have the most elaborate hiding places that I would damn near have to draw up a treasure map to get to it, because I would probably forget if I didn't. We used to live in an apartment, so the hiding places were getting out of hand when I started hiding pornography in the foam of our sofa cushion. I had a problem man. I remember when my ex broke up with me and I had to carry my ass, I guess I thought I called myself trying to get even with her because I revealed my top secret porn stashes. She gave me a bewildered look as to say, "That's nice pervert, get your ass out so the new guy I'm fucking can come over!."

2) Music: I'm not saying this was me, but you know that you have a problem with pornography if the only way you can maintain an erection during love making is if you play "70's style funk" porn music in the background. Not saying that was me or anything.

3) Too Much information: I found myself not only knowing most of the porn stars by their screen name, but their real names and their personal biography. Nothing is more creepy than saying the following: "You know that Chesty McBoob is a Virgo, she is from the great state of California, her per peeves are mean people and inequality, and she got a criminal law degree from UCLA!" Really, I shouldn't give a fuck about any of that shit!

4) Inappropriate Behavior: You know that porn addiction has taken over when you spray liquid out of an object,(whether it be watering your grass, pumping gas, using a ketchup bottle, etc) and while you are doing it you let out a loud ejaculatory "Ahhh" sound in the process. Such behavior might be OK when you are in the comfort of your own home, but not when meeting a girlfriends parents for the first time. That was one interesting dinner.

5) Inappropriate Language: I have noticed that certain words are said strictly in porn flicks, and should never make their way into every day life. I made the costly mistake of letting these "porn" words infect my vocabulary and ruining relationship after relationship. Besides telling a woman that you once slept with Britney Spears, nothing will make her ran faster from you than calling your genitalia "Beef stick", "Rod", or the "Salami Enforcer" I don't know what it is but women don't really find those nicknames sexy, go figure.

6) Inappropriate Suggestions: It is always a good thing for couples to be creative in the bedroom, keeping the relationship exciting. But pornography can turn your once playful suggestions into something very deviant, pissing your girlfriend off. Nothing will make your girlfriend leave you ass faster than saying the following: "You know what baby, why don't try adding some spice to the bedroom? You know, a puertorican girl, a midget named Inga, and a couple of chicks in cheerleader uniforms yelling my name in the background. What do you say?" Guys, learn from my mistakes.

7) Ebert and Roeper: Pornography, because of the pure intent of it, wasn't supposed to have a dazzling look or a intricate plot. I realized that I was sucked it when I said the following: 1)"Man, who wrote this Garbage, the dialogue is so unbelievable!" 2)"The could have gotten another actress to play the "masseuse", someone who could bring more to that role." 3)"How does "Maria" have a Spanish accent at first, but during the sex scenes she suddenly has an American accent? The Director should of caught that!" 4:"Not only is the lighting all off but you can see the boom Mic, what a rip off"

8) In order: This is short but, you know it is a bad sign if your pornography collection is so vast that you have to alphabetize them.

9) New Identity: I found that women don't really appreciate it when you asked them to address you by your new porn name. I went through a phase where I wanted to be called names like "Brock Rockwell" or "Chest Sherluck", which didn't go over too well with the little lady. Maintain your own identity!

10) What are you looking at?: I once had a girlfriend who had aspirations to become a porn star, no kidding. It would freak me out when she would look, pose, and talk to an imaginary camera whenever we made love. I always found that to be rather odd, until my porn addiction took over and I started doing the same thing. Nothing will make your lover leave faster than thinking that you are talking and looking at imaginary people while in bed. If I had a dime for everytime a woman left my bed screaming "You crazy motherfucker!" I would be a rich man

*I'm Bullshitting yall, I'm nowhere near rehabilitated*

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm HumanityCritic and I just got Cockblock'd!

*Cockblock: 1.The act of obstructing one person's advances towards another. 2.A situation that obstructs; an obstacle 3.An act of ill etiquette in which a male is speaking to one female in a group of females, and the alpha female creates a disruptive environment.

We have all been victim to it, whether you are a man or a woman, someone putting the proverbial "salt in your game" when it comes to hooking up with somebody. The term describing the actions of this individual is "cockblock", and the following are true accounts of how people have cockblocked me in the past. The fiction part of this post is the emergence of Ashton Kutcher, and how he turns my experiences into an episode of "Cockblock'd", a spinoff of his already popular MTV show.

(An Episode of "Cockblock'd" begins with Ashton Kutcher looking directly into the camera with his usual introduction)

Ashton Kutcher: Today on "Cockblock'd" we have the HumanityCritic. Many of you might know him from his blog, where he talks continuous shit, and has a nasty habit of throatchopping people he disagrees with. Well, today we are going to "cockblock" him on several occasions. This should be fun, hee-hee.

Waitress: I used to go to this trendy ass bar on the beach a while back. The waitress, Marie, would flirt with me but it was hard to tell if she was digging me or just fishing for tips. I haven't really been the best when it comes to "getting hints", but I figured her telling me that she wanted to feel my dreadlocks "rub up against her breasts" was a definite greenlight. That same night, a bartender that I am cool with named Pat came over to talk to me. He informed me that Marie was a huge freak and she was "fucking everybody". He even implied that she had given a few dudes venereal diseases and to watch out. I figured that I knew Pat and that he wouldn't bullshit me. Right? Wrong! A couple of weeks passed by and I like called her once. I want to say that my laziness was the reason that I didn't try to talk to her more, but the more I think about it Pat's words were influential. I go to that same bar and Pat and Marie are hugged the fuck up, swapping spit and whatnot. That motherfucker had blatantly lied to me in order to get with her. When I saw him he playfully hit me in the arm saying, "Whats shaking HumanityCritic?" I returned the favor by hitting him hard as fuck in the arm, making him buckle over, saying "Not much, I thought Marie had the plague and shit?".

(Ashton Kutcher comes out from the backroom of the club, taking off his headphones. He runs out with the camera crew to confront HumanityCritic)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, you have just been "cockblock'd", hee-hee

(Kutcher goes to hug HC, but HumanityCritic shrugs Kutcher off of him)

HumanityCritic: (grilling Kutcher) Get your bitch ass off of me!! (Grabbing camera lenses) Get these camera's off me, this shit is embarrassing!

Waitress #2: I know, me and waitresses. I guess I have a thing for women who bring me drinks whenever I ask.(Just playing ladies, sort of) The pool-hall that me and my boy Danny go to had this cute waitress named Susan. Susan was a Cuban girl who had a body that I would give a kidney for, and she would always talk dirty to me which was a absolute plus. The other waitress that I know there is cool and she goes by the name of Rebbecca. Rebbecca warned me about Susan by saying the following: "Critic, you don't want any parts of that! She is really loose, and she sleeps with a guy as soon as she can. All she does is give head, and she is a absolute sex fanatic!" By the growth in my pants you could tell that she didn't have a convincing argument dissuading me against getting with Susan. I told Rebbecca, "You say all that like its a bad thing? I like her even more now, nice job!" (Ladies, if you want to stop your male friends from messing with a certain female, don't go on and on about how much of a whore she is, that tactic doesn't work!)The funny thing was after that conversation Susan didn't come back to talk to me, not only that, the few times after that when I went into said establishment Susan hardly said three word to me. What the fuck happened?? I finally learned from Susan, after she got a god-damned boyfriend no less, that Rebbecca had told her that I was engaged to get married, I guess to "protect me". Fuck!

(Ashton Kutcher comes from the back of the pool-hall with his camera crew. Camera-lights flash in HumanityCritic's face as Kutcher says..)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, You have been "Cockblock'd!".Hee-hee

HumanityCritic: Not again, you better not touch me motherfucker!!

The Lawyer: I have a friend named Jeff who is a defense Lawyer. He invited me to a function that his law firm was holding, and he informed me that a co-worker named Jennifer that he liked would be in attendance. I guess Jennifer had no idea that Jeff liked her because her ass was talking to me all night, as much as I tried to abandon her and spare my friend's feelings. Jeff apparently saw how much she liked me so he suggested that I try to get with her. I told him that I knew how he felt about her and that I would never do that to a friend. He insisted that he was cool with it and his ass even wished me luck. "OK", I thought, so I got the number from Jennifer and we talked about two times, having pretty good conversations. All of a sudden she was "missing in action", wouldn't return my calls, I thought something had happened to her. Weeks later I see her at a jazz club, and before I could even question her about her recent whereabouts, she is introducing me to all of her "guy friends". Not only that I find it rather disturbing that she keeps calling me "girlfriend" during our brief conversations that night. After a while I get to asking her about why she hadn't returned my calls. She said the following: "Jeff told me everything, and nothing is wrong with you being gay. I just didn't want to be having sex with a DL brother that's all. I have love for you though." That motherfucker Jeff had told her that I was gay!! I tried to explain to Jennifer that I was 100% straight and that Jeff had lied in order to cockblock me. I guess I sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher(Whah-Whah-Whah) to her because all she said was "Yeah, uh-huh, right" Wait until I see Jeff.

(Ashton Kutcher comes out of nowhere sporting his trademark trucker cap, with his camera crew right behind him)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, you have just been cockblock'd!! Hee-hee

HumanityCritic: You know what, I'm not only getting tired of your ass intruding on my life, but my blog. I'm warning you..

Ashton Kutcher: Dude chill, you are a single 31 year old unmarried jackass without any kids or a wife, your black ass could use some excitement in your life!

(HumanityCritic sticks up his middle finger while walking out of the door)

HumanityCritic: Fuck you!

Earthy Sista: I was at this ghetto ass club only because my friends were performing there that night and I was there to support. It was going to be a while before they performed so I sat at the bar to have a few drinks. This beautiful sister named Renee began talking to me and we hit it off immediately. She was on some ole "love thy neighbor, Gandhi, Lauryn Hill" shit and that was OK with me. She went on and on about how she detests thugs and how ignorant their behavior is. I agree with that, most of those assholes are pussies anyway and I'm not a thug, so I felt my chances with her were pretty good. I felt good about the direction of our conversation, until some drunk asshole began harassing us. He was making comments about Renee's ass, and he asked her why she was talking to me since he was the only "real man" there that night. Every time I started to do something about it Renee would grab my arm and say something like "resist the negativity brother." The harassment continued for about 15 more minutes as I stood there and took what this asshole had to dish out. Renee was beautiful and truly a deep thinker, but how much can a brother take? When Renee got up to go to the bathroom, and as soon as she turned the corner, I hit that drunken asshole as hard as I could in the chest with the backside of my left fist, I tried to cave that chest in. When Renee came back all she saw was me sitting at the bar, alongside that drunken idiot as he rolled around on the floor holding his chest. She asked me "What happened??, and before I could finish she grabbed her purse and said, "That's what I'm talking about, fucking thugs!". She hightailed it out of there as my visions of taking off her head-wrap and sarong vanished within thin air.

(Ashton Kutcher comes back again, with his camera crew..)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, you have just been..

(Before he can finish, HumanityCritic knocks Kutcher the fuck out with a roundhouse punch)


HumanityCritic: Shut your ass up! (Going through Kutcher's pockets) Let me take some of the "Dude Where's My Car" money motherfucker!! (Looking into the camera) Yall getting this?? Ashton Kutcher, you just got your wack movie making ass "knock'd" the fuck out!!..hee-hee

*Definition as described on UrbanDictionary.com

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Taking Over the B.E.T Building: Operation Throatchop

A group of bloggers, upset at the pitiful display of entertainment that has come from Black Entertainment Television, has decided to join forces and take over the B.E.T Building. As many of you know, B.E.T has had a golden opportunity to put out informative programming, enlightening the masses that watch said station, but they have abandoned any responsible approach and has basically been a channel just showing video's. A group of men that go by the name H.A.I.L(HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, and Luke Cage) have plotted to take over the B.E.T Building and change their programming forever. This is how it went down.

Luke Cage

(HumanityCritic and Iselfra are hiding behind a car, ready to storm the building, with ski-masks half way down their foreheads)

HumanityCritic: This is going to be amazing man! WE are going to go in there, crack a few heads, and make those motherfuckers change their programming forever!

Iselfra: No doubt, (grabbing HumanityCritic's gun and explosives), But what is all this for? There must be a better way than to use firearms??

HumanityCritic: But they have guns and they have used them on other's who had suggested that they change their programming.

Iselfra: True, Give me one of those damn guns.(Grabbing a 9mm from HC's holster)

(Luke Cage and Amadeo appear)

Luke Cage:(carrying an oozy, grenade, hunting knife, and wearing Rambo-like bullet suspenders) That's all the weaponry yall got??

HumanityCritic:(Looking at Iselfra) See!

Amadeo: So what are we waiting for, lets go in there and cause damage. Shit, I want to beat someones ass for the mere fact they had that animated whore Cita on there for so long. Ghetto ass network.

Luke Cage: OK, but before I go I have to say one thing. You're HumanityCritic?? I mean, you have some weight to you, but you are kind of short.

HumanityCritic: What are you saying?

Luke Cage: I mean, for all the "throat chopping", shit talking, and ass whipping you do on your blog I just expected something different that's all..

HumanityCritic: OK, OK

Luke Cage: You better show me something in there small fry, because weak links won't be tolerated.

(Iselfra and Amadeo giggling)

HumanityCritic: Damn yall that's fucked up! Take it easy Luke, I can hold up my part of the deal!

(H.A.I.L gathers around a radio listening to M.O.P's "Ante Up" so they can get pumped up)

(They all run toward the building in a single file line, with their weapons pointed downwards. Before they get to the door 5 guards come from nowhere and try to ambush them. Iselfra takes one of the guards out with his capoeira fighting style. HumanityCritic gives one a deadly throat chop, as Amadeo slams one to the ground with a mighty suplex. Luke Cage is holding two of the guards off of the ground by their necks, knocking their heads together and putting them out of commission)

Luke Cage:(To HumanityCritic) Nice throat-chop! OK, we're cool.

HumanityCritic: Wow, thanks!

(When H.A.I.L enters the building 40 more guards come out of nowhere)

HumanityCritic:(still tired from the previous battle, pulls out his gun and fires in the air): *Pow* Fuck this, all yall get on the ground, I ain't fighting all of yall.

Iselfra, Amadeo, Luke Cage:(Looking at HumanityCritic)(in unison) Pussy!

(Every one of the guards get tied the fuck up as H.A.I.L continues on their mission. Along the way they reach the "Rap City" studio as they are taping the show)

Amadeo: This is all mine fellas! I had to endure year after wack year of this miserable show, the bullshit hip hop that they played, and every wack host who thought they were an M.C.(He runs over and knocks out the guest D.J and the new host) Don't get up motherfucker, this is my show now!(He proceeds to host the show, playing the underground videos that he wants, all while holding a AK-47)

(As Iselfra, HumanityCritic, and Luke Cage make their way down the hall they encounter the evil program director of B.E.T)

Iselfra: Well, well. You are the one responsible for ruining the minds of our young brothers and sisters out there huh?

Program Director: I am providing people with a service, a service to entertain

Iselfra: But you also have the responsibility to educate and inform your viewers. Yall got rid of Tavis Smiley, Ed Gordan, and your nightly news program. Those were the only respectable things about your bullshit network and now they are gone.

Program Director: But it is my experience that ignorant nigg...I mean, young African Americans respond to our new format.

Iselfra: See, "ignorant niggers"?? You don't even respect your viewers.(Iselfra walks over to the evil program director with a mean look on his face. Apparently Iselfra has been watching too much Star Wars or some shit, but he raises his hand and administers the Darth Vader "force choke" on the program director. The program director is clutching his throat, grasping for air)

HumanityCritic:(Rushes to the side of Iselfra) You don't want to do this man, you don't want this douchebag's blood on your hands!

Luke Cage: Damn that! I watched lil John 5 times this week, kill THAT motherfucker!

HumanityCritic: Don't encourage him!

(Iselfra releases the choke)

Iselfra:(holding director down, giving out backhands) When I am done with you(smack) you will show nothing but documentaries and educational programming!(punch)

HumanityCritic: I think he got the picture after you choked the shit out of him.

Iselfra: OK, OK. So where are yall going??

HumanityCritic: Luke Cage and I are going to 106th & Park to take that joint over. Free has got a phat ass, so of course we will be checking her out!!

Luke Cage:(clearing throat) Dude, I'm married, the only ass I check out is my wife's. But, I will go with you to "have your back".

HumanityCritic: Yeah right

(HumanityCritic and Luke Cage enter the 106th & Park studio. A.J tries to stop them but HumanityCritic kicks that motherfucker dead in the sternum, causing him to pass out)

Free: What is going on here?? Who are you guys?

HumanityCritic: We are here to change this piss poor station to something that black folks can be proud of. By the way, who is your guest today?

Free: The Ying Yang Twins

(The Ying Yang Twins walk out)

Ying Yang Twins: Yaaayuuh!! Yaaayuuuh!

(HumanityCritic loads up the clip to his 9mm, mouth watering like pavlov's dog, about to kill those motherfuckers)

Luke Cage:(looking at HumaityCritic) Don't you do it..

HumanityCritic: OK, but hand me your nightstick

(For the next 10 minutes HumanityCritic hands down a beating to the Ying Yang Twins that you wouldn't believe.)

HumanityCritic:(Standing over their unconscious bodies with their platinum teeth in his hand) Luke, how much do you think we could get for these on the street??

Luke:(Shaking Head)

(Robert Johnson, founder of B.E.T and the man who sold the station to Viacom for a shitload of money, appears out of nowhere)

Johnson: What are yall doing?? I know what the agenda of H.A.I.L is and you are totally wrong! B.E.T is a positive influence on the black community and the mere thought that we promote negativity is irresponsible on your part. See, when I started this network..

(Belle comes out of no where and lands a powerful uppercut to Johnson, making him airborne, causing his body to come crashing to the ground)


HumanityCritic, Luke Cage, Amadeo who just reappeared with Iselfra:(in unison, leaning back): Damn Shorty!!

Belle: Someone had to shut that motherfucker up!

HumanityCritic: Where did you come from Belle?

Belle: I was supposed to be part of your crew, but because the asshole writing this was so in love with the H.A.I.L acronym I got bumped to the end of the story. Plus, you guys spent all that energy fighting all those guards when the back door was open. Remember, this IS B.E.T, negros take smoke breaks!

HumanityCritic: Damn Free, you sure got a fat ass.

Free: Get away from me!!

Iselfra: That's my boy critic, always a hit with the ladies.

Amadeo: So, whats next? After we fully change the programming here, where is our next location.

HumanityCritic: Well, there is a station in my hometown called 103 Jamz. They play nonstop bullshit 24/7, the worst Hip Hop imaginable, and they are a clear-channel station. Lets get those motherfuckers.

(They all touch hands in a superfriend fashion)

HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, Luke Cage:(in unison) H-A-I-L..Hail!!

Belle: Don't forget the "B"!!

The End

Monday, May 16, 2005

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The other day I was watching the Jim Carrey Movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where he and his girlfriend played by Kate Winslett attempt to erase each other from their memories when things go sour, with the help of a specific procedure. The movie was OK, but it got me to thinking. You know how people will tell you that "all experiences are good experiences" because you supposedly "learn from them"? In some cases I agree, but in other cases I would have no problem having specific people and things erased totally from my memory because I didn't learn a motherfucking thing. If this mind erasing procedure really existed, here are a few things that I would want wiped from my memory, forever.

Shante: There are some people who you just know you shouldn't date before you do it, well Shante was a shining example of this. Granted, I was blinded by the sex so that had a big part in my lack of judgment. For one thing, I found myself getting into the silliest arguments with her resulting in her always wanting to fight me. Then when I grabbed her to restrain her she claimed that I bruised her and called the police on me, which was embarrassing. The cops had me in the back of their cop car, cuffed, when she admitted that she lied. The cops hesitantly let me go. Then we were in a restaurant and I introduced her to my cousin, but she was so jealous and thought that she wasn't who she said she was, she refused to shake her hand.(My cousin still wants to beat her ass for that.) I am in no way an intellectual elite, but some of the shit that came out of her mouth had to set black folks back 100 years.(Don't you hate when stupid people say the dumbest shit with the utmost confidence?? Me too) Besides that foolishness, she cheated on me and like a fool I stuck around. Then when I happened to cheat on her she tried to burn my car "Waiting to Exhale style". I definitely take some responsibility in the dysfunction that was called our relationship, but I learned absolutely nothing from her and getting her and that entire episode erased from my mind is a good thing.

Bad Hip Hop: I'm disturbed that I know who the Ying Yang twins are and the idiocy that they call music. I'm upset that I know certain Jah Rule songs by heart, and that ain't on purpose. Remember when "The Black Eyed Peas" were kind of underground, now they are a fucking Superbowl act. Why do I even know who "Paul Wall" is, or "Slim Thug" for that matter. Let me say this loud and clear: I don't give a solitary fuck who Mike Jones is! Fuck you for infecting my brain with that bullshit. 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, lil flip, Cassidy for saying that he is the best thing since B.I.G(man fuck you!), I want all of those wack bastards erased from my memory. I also want two specific images of respected rappers erased from my memory as well. 1)Hearing MC Lyte rap on a OId Navy Commercial to Young MC's "Bust a move" beat and 2)Seeing the greatest rapper ever, Rakim, in a Jewel Santana video Jewel Santana is straight ass in the MC department. Erase all of that, as soon as possible! I know that those groups will creep back into my brain in due time, but having a few days of ignorant bliss will be satisfying.

Dee: I have known him for about 16 years so it might surprise you that I want this individual erased from my memory. Let me explain. Our friendship has been a one sided one from the beginning. From day one I would lend him money and not get paid back and for years it seemed that I was his personal chauffeur taking him multiple places. I'm not even saying that I would want any type of reciprocity, but the part that pisses me off is that he kind of acted like I had to do things for him. Looking back on how he used me it just gets me mad because a person definitely couldn't pull that shit with me now. I even tried to look past all of that and remain friendly with dude, but that has proven to be a mistake as well. See, we both come from a middle class background, but he decided to live in the "hood" and become a criminal. He has the audacity to lecture me about how I don't "know about the streets" and I "had it easy" growing up, even though we come from the same economic situation. Idiocy like that makes me want to beat his ass, but I figured I would just have him erased. I learned absolutely nothing from him, and most of the memories of our "friendship" is of me being used. I figure that I would have this procedure done before I mame him for life. See, everyone wins!

The weeks around my father's death: I don't know if any of you had a self destructive episode in your life but I know I had. Right after my father's death I went into a emotional tailspin that probably should of killed me. I have talked about this before, but I was drinking hard liquor on a daily basis, smoking enough weed to keep the dope man happy, and I got into so many fights it seemed that I wanted somebody to take me out of my misery.(I actually remember knocking someone on his ass and saying to him "I wanted you to beat my ass, and you can't even do that right!") You know you are in a bad place when you wake up beside a bottle of liquor, and the first thing you do when you open your eyes is take a gigantic swig of said booze. That whole time in my life is simply a blur now, but I would have no problems erasing that entire episode from my memory. Wait!! But then again, keep this memory, because I can always know what "Rock bottom" feels like.

*What thing's would you like to have erased from your mind??"

Quote of the Day..

Dave Chappelle, when talking about having a show he could be proud of said: "I want to make sure I'm dancing and not shuffling. What ever decisions I make right now I'm going to have live with. Your soul is priceless."

Friday, May 13, 2005

HumanityCritic vs. your garden variety action hero

The other day I was talking to my friend Chris about the upcoming Jet Li movie entitled "Unleashed". Somehow we got on a rant concerning which action stars were the real deal and which ones we might have a legitimate shot at taking down. Here are some fictitious accounts of what might happen if I challenged the following individuals to a bar fight. I'm confident in my skills, I have some boxing skills and I am a master at the throat chop technique. (Breathes deeply) Wish me luck.

Jet-Li: Training: Jet Li started training at the Beijing wushu academy at age eight (wushu is China's national sport, largely a performance version of various martial art styles), and won five gold medals in the Chinese championships, his first when he was only 11. In his teens, he was already a national coach.

HumanityCritic vs. Jet Li: I see Jet Li having a few drinks with his entourage at the other end of the bar. Knowing that I have to fight this motherfucker for the sake of my blog, I get liquored up and approach Li. I throw a drink in his face and say, "Lets go movie star, You and me!" He slowly wipes the drink off of his face, smiles and says "I don't want to fight you, you're drunk." Not satisfied with his answer I throw 5 punches at him but he ducks and dodges them like they were nothing. He then says, "HumanityCritic, I'm warning you, don't make me embarrass your black ass on your blog".I come back with, "Whatever, you can't make me look stupid on my blog" and I throw another punch. This time he catches my punch mid air, looks at me and says "I warned your bitch ass" and proceeds to touch six strategic points of my body. After doing so he slowly walks away. I stand there and say, "What was that? If that is all you have? You are going to get beat the fuck up, Virginia style". Jet Li says, "Critic, I have just given you the embarrassing "paralyzing piss touch". I say "whats that?" He says, "Well, first you piss yourself(HumanityCritic begins to wet himself, a lot) then you find yourself paralyzed for hours."(HumanityCritic is frozen solid) The whole crowd erupts with laughter, as people pose for pictures alongside my paralyzed body. Shit, it was so bad that people started using me as a human ashtray, and setting their drinks on me. I see that Jet Li isn't to be fucked with.

Chuck Norris: Training: He is a black belt in Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwan Do, both Korean fighting arts, and knows all forms of the martial arts. In 1969, he earned the Triple Crown for the highest number of tournament wins, and was named Fighter of the Year by Black Belt magazine.

HumanityCritic vs. Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris is speaking at one of his many karate schools across the nation. In the middle of the speech I say, "Come on Norris, bring your bitch ass!!" He informs me that there are small children present then I say, "Ooops, my bad folks. Hey Chuck, can I speak to you for a sec?" Chuck gingerly makes it around the table he was sitting at, which shows me that he has lost a step or two. When we get in the other room he says, "What is all this about son?" I say, "Well Mr. Norris, I have to fight all these action stars for my blog and.." He interrupts and says, "You are the guy that got beat the fuck up by Jet Li?? You standing there frozen in your own urine is the most popular screen-saver in the country!!" Utterly embarrassed I say, "Enough! Are we going to do this or what?? Being that you used stunt doubles for simple fights scenes while filming "Texas Walker Ranger" tells me that I can whip your ass!" (HumanityCritic sucker punches Chuck Norris) *Whap* "How you like me now old man", I say. (Chuck gets in his karate stance and all you hear are bones cracking) As I begin to fight him these two guys with the word "Stunt Double 1" and "Stunt Double 2" written on the front of their t-shirts come out of no where and administer a 10 minute ass whipping, beating the black off of me. He stands over me, tells his henchmen to open the door, and when his fans come rushing in he points down at me and says "If you come back you will get it even worse. You can't disrespect me in my dojo!" As all of his fans cheer and give him hugs, I crawl out of his establishment mumbling "You phony motherfucker!"

Steven Seagal: Training: He started his martial arts training at the age of 7, under well known karate instructor and author Fumio Demura and in the 1960s started his aikido training in Orange County under the instruction of Harry Ishisaka. Seagal received his first dan accreditation in 1974, after he had moved to Japan to further his martial arts training. After spending many years there honing his skills, he achieved the ranking of a 7th dan in the Japanese martial art "aikido"

HumanityCritic vs. Steven Seagal: I went to Barnes and Noble to confront Mr. Seagal because he was signing copies of his new book "How to be a movie star and not have any talent". I stood in line like I was a fan, and when I got to the front of the line he asked me "Who do I sign this to kid?". I said, "sign it to "the motherfucker who is about to wipe the floor with you in a bookstore!" He gets up, exposing his massive belly and says, "What did you say to me?" Looking intense i say, "You heard me! Me and you, mano y mano!" He giggled and said, "You're the blog guy right??"(His whole crew erupts in laughter) I said, "It won't be so funny when I beat you silly in front of your dorky ass fans! Look at you dude, do you eat your opponents instead of simply beat them up now? One time your were "Marked for Death", now your pudgy ass is "Marked for a Heart attack""(Seagal getting heated) I continue, "When is the last time you had a hit anyway?? You know you are in trouble when you are a washed up B-level star!" Seagal approaches me but before he could reach me I hit him with one of his books. *Blam* As the book falls to the ground it opens when it lands, I notice that its a god-damned pop-up picture book! "Boy your fans are fucking idiots" I say. Seagal has gained some weight so I am eating up his grill with jab after jab, he tries to kick me but he can't raise his leg above knee level. "Finally a fight I can win", I say as I dance around Steven Seagal tapping that jaw with monster right jabs. I figure he is done, so I back up and run towards him to give him a powerful kick that will finish him off. But when I get to him he sidesteps me and catches me with the most violent clothesline ever, making me airborne for 3 seconds before hitting the ground very hard. As i lay there grasping you air, Seagal says "THATS the last time I had a hit motherfucker!" as he puts one foot on my body, posing for pictures. It didn't end there, I was held down and hit with signed copies of his pop-up book by scores of his dorky ass fans.

Jackie Chan: Training: China Drama Academy for 10 years. There he endured 19 hours a day of the kind of acrobatic action we see in Jackie Chan movies today, in all his grace; mime, dance and martial arts, all thanks to very strict training.

HumanityCritic vs. Jackie Chan: I see Jackie Chan having dinner with some of his friends one night when I step to him and say, "Jackie, I am here to.." He interrupts me ans says, "I know, I know, fight me because of your blog. This shit is silly man, I have received the memo about you and I'm not fighting you! Take that shit somewhere else Critic!" (HumanityCritic Pauses, wondering why his english is so good on my blog) "Oh yes you are" I said. He slides a shot glass of saki my way and says, "Drink this, we'll fight later." I throw back the shot of Saki saying, "Thats pretty good", as Jackie brings about 3 bottles and puts it in front of me. About an hour later I am shitfaced, singing karaoke with Jackie, grabbing girls asses, having the time of my life. At the end of the night I forgot that I was even there to fight Jackie, which I thought was cool until I woke up the next morning. It seems that our beloved Jackie Chan sells organs on the black market, since I woke up in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney missing. "Damn you Jackie Chan, I'll get you for this!!"

Vin Diesel: Training: Ex Bouncer, Acting School

HumanityCritic vs. Vin Diesel: Vin Diesel is sitting with a few friends when I go up to him and hit him dead in the jaw and say, "That is for the 8 bucks I wasted seeing "The Pacifier" motherfucker!!"(I didn't see it) He stands up quickly, tells his boys to wait there, and tells me that he wants to fight me outside of the club. I'm game, so when we get outside the club I say, "OK, time to get a "Chronicles of Riddick" ass beating!!" He looks at me and hands me his wallet and says, "Take as much as you want man, I'm a pussy. I play tough guys on TV man, that shit ain't real. I sweet like deer meat, the last thing i want to do is fight!" As I am putting the contents of his wallet in my pocket, I look up and say, "Are you sure you don't want to fight? I am going to document this on my blog you know?" He smiles and says, "I know you are, but who is going to believe your chubby blogger ass anyway?" I quickly tell him, "You know, I can quickly renege on the whole "not beating your ass thing", then he just smirked and walked back in the club.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Hip Hop Albums that Changed my Life..

So far during my blog experience I have covered my favorite male MC's, Female MC's, and favorite Hip Hop groups. We all have albums that have changed our lives or altered the way we view that genre in general, making them the standard we will judge everything else on. The following are Hip Hop albums that changed my life. By all means, add some of your experiences and albums that changed you life in the comment section.

Public Enemy(It takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back): Public Enemy, in my humble opinion, is the most important group in Hip Hop history. Period. I'm pretty sure that they knew going in that a rap group with a message might never catch on, but they believed in themselves and the message they were conveying so much that they went full steam ahead anyhow. Even though they came with a political message and talked about what ailed black youth, they never came off as preachy. They were smart enough to give you those aggressive ass bomb-squad tracks that were so pleasing to the ear that after listening to a song you just happen to realize that there was a message in there. This particular album, as much as the rearing from my parents, is probably the soul reason that I have always tried to stay current on the political side of things. "Don't Believe the Hype", "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos", "Night of the Living Baseheads", "Rebel without a Pause", this album is packed with classics to make any Hip Hop fan nod in agreement. Like Chuck said, "Who gives a fuck about a god-damned Grammy!!"

Ice Cube(Death Certificate): Even though I have been critical of the decline of Ice Cube's musical career, I can't front on how "Death Certificate" is one of my favorite albums. The album is so good that Ice Cube could make 40 wack albums with Mac 10 and that still wouldn't change my opinion of him as being one of the best MC's during a specific time period. I have said this for the past 10 years but it still hold up today, I have yet to hear an album that had the same range of topics that Cube addressed on this CD. He talked about blacks in the military, venereal diseases, the health care system, he addressed his old band-mates, gang colors and the ridiculousness of it, you name it he addressed it. This by far is his most controversial CD as well, this is the album that he hopes the interviewer doesn't ask him about when he is plugging his new Disney Movie. This album also shows where Cube peaked lyrically and creatively, after this i noticed a slow decline in the quality of his music.

A Tribe Called Quest(Low End Theory): I was a fan of their first album, and I remember distinctively awaiting what this trio from Queens would come out with next. I was in my freshman year of college, and i was dating a senior who was a hip Hop head as well. When this album came out we knew that we were listening to a Hip Hop classic. It was the perfect blend of aggressive lyricism mixed with jazz sensibilities. I know many of you probably like "Midnight Marauders" better, and that is totally understandable. This album sticks in my mind because I remember me and old girl getting high as a kite, listening to this album, and having deep conversations like "Wow, Phife got better huh?"

De La Soul(Three Feet High and Rising): I respect the shit out of De La Soul because they have always blazed their own trail, and ignored the musical trend of the day. From day one you could tell that these three brothers would push the envelope creatively, whenever they got the chance. Shit, from the first time you heard "Potholes in my lawn" you knew that you were getting cutting edge, refreshingly new Hip hop. One of the reasons I like De La Soul is one of the reasons that I like Public Enemy, because they were trying something completely new and had the balls to go. For all they knew they could of flopped, that musical bravery is commendable. "Pot Holes in my Lawn", "Say no Go", "Me myself and I", "Buddy", the daisy age is not over!

Nas(Illmatic): This is probably one of the albums that I knew would be a classic before I heard it. I was a fan of Nas' verbal stylings since "Live at the Barbecue", remember his line "When I was twelve, I went to hell for snuffing Jesus"? Classic. Nas brought razor sharp delivery, along with street tales about hustling and ghetto philosophy. I think that pure Hip Hop heads were open because I don't think we heard such a precise flow since hearing Rakim's verses, so the lyricism he brought to the table was a breath of fresh air. Plus you can't go wrong when you have Pete Rock, Premiere, and Large Professor producing your album. "New York State of Mind", "Life's a Bitch", "Halftime", the recipe of a classic album.

Notorious B.I.G(Ready to Die): There are two things that I must admit to concerning Biggie. 1)That before the album came out I slept on him, telling whoever would listen that the album wasn't going to be all that. and 2)My favorite Biggie song, up til now, is "Party and Bullshit" As a Hip Hop purist, I will always go on and on about the violence in Hip Hop and how there is no need for it. But then again, if it is done creatively or the beat is dope(i.e M.O.P or this album), I become a lot less adversarial about it. "Ready to die" had tales of crack-peddling, had a introspective view on his own life and mortality, and occasionally laced you with lyrical assault that is damn near unparalleled. I constantly say how Biggie and Pac were overrated, and I never understand how anyone can say that they are the greatest, but today I give the Brooklyn MC his due as to having a album that changed my life.

N.W.A(Straight Outta Compton): When this came out it was like porn to me, I would hide it and listen to it in the complete privacy. People who criticize this group for starting a negative trend in music actually have a point, and I understand what they are saying. But their "I don't give a fuck attitude on "Straight Outta Compton" was kind of inspiring to a young teen as myself. Granted, at that point I had only a couple of run ins with the police, and I didn't know anything about selling crack or your garden variety "hood rat", but N.W.A took me on a magical hood journey. It is also one of the first time West Coast life was brought to the masses on such a high, nationwide level.(Of course there were legends like Too Short and Ice T, but they didn't have the immediate wide spread impact) "Straight Outta Compton", "Gangsta Gangsta", "Parental Discretion Iz advised", all songs I shouldn't have been listening to at the time but stayed in my Walkman.

EPMD(Strictly Business): I have to admit, I loved these guys because they were the absolute truth. I mean, they didn't have any booming personalities or anything, they just came with the uncut Hip Hop. No gimmicks, just Hip Hop. This particular album is near and dear to my heart because this album, along with Biz Mark's "Going off" and "Long Live the Kane" are the three albums that my cousins brought down from New York for me. That summer, my two cousins(Peter and Brendan) would learn every song on each album and rap along each time it was played. Something about EPMD's song "Jane" that stuck to me, maybe it was the line "She's fly, haircut like Anita Baker/looked her up and down and said hmm I'll take her." That's my shit man, also the mere fact that Eric Sermon had a speech impediment but still rocked the mic was cool in itself.