Friday, February 25, 2005

5 Flicks on top of my Cluttered movie Collection

If people didn't already know I am a certified movie fanatic. It doesn't matter the genre, if it looks interesting to me you better believe I will go out of my way to see it. Admittedly, I am somewhat of a movie snob. A snob meaning that I will openly question your I.Q if you hate a movie that I love, and I will openly wonder if your parents were siblings if you love a movie that I hate. Some asshole tendencies are hard to get rid of. There are a stack of DVD's that are in my entertainment center, so I decided to write about the first five that were on the top of stack. Here goes.


Clerks(1994)- Kevin Smith's first movie about the life and times of "Dante Hicks" and "Randal Graves", two 20 something slackers who work as convenience store clerks. This movie is totally hilarious, from situations ranging from Dante's girlfriend saying that she had intercourse with two men only to reveal that she had given oral "pleasure" to 37 men, Dante and Randal closing the store to attend a wake where Randall accidentally knocks the coffin over, and for all you Star Wars fans there is a plethora of references just for you. This movie displays Smiths gift of writing witty dialogue, and everytime I see it I laugh my ass off.

High Fidelity(200)- Starring John Cusack, who plays the owner of a record shop who recently got dumped by his girlfriend. He wanted to see where his relationships went wrong, so he tries to contact every girlfriend he ever had and try to figure out where he went wrong. Sometimes when the main character talks to the camera it can be a disaster, but it works wonderfully here. Jack Black is also in this movie, and personally I think that his role in this flick is his funniest performance he has given by far. This movie hits home for me personally, because through all his troubled relationships you see where he went wrong and I can relate.

Beat Street(1984)- I remember having my mother take me to see this movie and she was so foreign to the Hip Hop culture she probably would have had a better time at a dentist appointment. But being from Virginia, every bit of Hip Hop culture that I could soak in was important. I had cousins from Queens who would call me and relate stories to me about the blossoming Hip Hop scene in NY, and I was always kind of jealous that I didn't have any "..and then we had a street jam in the park" stories. The break-dancing, the culture, the music of beatstreet left me in awe as a kid. To this day, for no reason at all, I will be with some friends and scream "Ramo!! Ramo!!!". Classic.


Fight Club(1999)- Fight Club is my personal barometer to finding out whether a person is a idiot. When I hear people say, "I didn't get that movie" I automatically want to put a dunce cap on them because the flick wasn't difficult to figure out. It was pretty self-explanatory. On the surface, someone would simply say that "Fight Club" was about a bunch of dudes who started beating each others ass in a basement. But if you pay attention, it is a pretty good commentary about materialism and how things you own "end up owning you". David Fincher's directing style is just awesome, and I personally think that Brad Pitt is one of the most underrated actors because of the medias focus on his looks.


Hollywood Shuffle(1987)- Robert Townsends comedic look at Hollywood and the problems that a black actor has with finding a respectable role. This movie is 17 years old, but it is still relevant today since black actors still have the same problems as 1987. From the "Black Acting School" skit where white instructors teach African American actors how to "walk and talk black", too funny. Some scenes are uncomfortable, like when a casting director asks Townsend while he is auditioning to "poke your lips out" and "talk blacker", but art is supposed to provoke thought. One of my favorite movies, hands down. (I would also suggest that you watch "Bamboozled")

Thursday, February 24, 2005

My Fond Sports Memories and a Bullshit Sports Media


For as long I can remember I have been passionate about sports. From the first time my father signed me up for pee-wee soccer I had a competitive drive for winning and annihilating the competition. Even though I had to be the worst soccer player to ever breath is beside the point, I learned a great deal about teamwork. From there I played pee-wee basketball, baseball, and football eventually developing into a pretty decent athlete. Track and Field was my first love in High School, specializing in the long jump where I was one of the best long jumpers in the city. Now that Thursday afternoon track meets are a distant 14 year memory, I still have a love for sports that is only surpassed by my love for my mother, hip hop, and loose women.

Now, I play basketball on a regular basis, even practicing new moves as if I am preparing to try out for a team or something. It's pretty sad shit now that I think about it. From reading the sports section of the paper, watching Sportscenter religiously and browsing sports sites online I have become well versed in most sports. Hell, I can even have a halfway decent conversation about Hockey. But something has become apparent to me over the past 10 years; our sports media is incompetent and racist. Let me explain:

Full Disclosure: I am a Lakers Fan. First we have Kobe Bryant. The sports media has been on a two year campaign to drag this guy’s name through the mud. People say, "But he deserves it, he was accused of rape and he broke up the Lakers." I respect that, but lets break it down. Michael Jordan was not only a cheater, he was hit with palimony suits, and his gambling addiction probably had his father killed (my theory). Still, Michael is beloved. If your problem with Kobe is his legal problems, then I quickly point you to Ray Lewis who was accused of killing two guys. Still, Lewis is one of the NFL's poster-boys. If your problem with Kobe is that he is a "jerk", then I bring up an incident where Michael Jordan viciously beat up John Paxson during one of their practices. I seriously believe, in my heart of hearts, that Kobe is villanized simply because he had sex with a white woman. Right or wrong, I think that if Kobe's accuser was black he wouldn't be under the same scrutiny. It's 2005 but there are still many people who don't like to see a black man with a white woman and the media has gone out of their way to publicly castrate him. The problem, similar to the media myth that John Kerry was a "flip-flopper", is that the sports media proceeded in duping many black folks into hating Kobe in the process. Lastly on the subject of Kobe, I hate when I hear people say "Kobe had a squeaky clean image and he turned out to be something different." I ask, when in the world did this nation become a bunch of whining fucking 5 year olds? Newsflash fuckers: The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus don’t exist either. Lebron James seems to be a very well rounded young man…but if it came out that he had a weed addiction and starred in a porno it wouldn't surprise me. It wouldn’t surprise me because I am a adult who understands that someones "public image" just might be bullshit.

Randy Moss is another example. When he walked off the field during the last seconds of a game that was totally inexcusable. The media coverage that followed was belligerent and wildly idiotic. When he mock "mooned" the crowd you had announcers acting like he had just murdered somebody. There was this one ESPN anchor that was so "outraged" that he refused to say Randy Moss' name. He has had off field problems, but so have about 50% of the NFL. Moss will be traded to the Oakland Raiders, apparently because the Vikings had it with his "behavior". This might be good for Moss, to play for an owner that has a long history of having functioning testicles, something that the sports media and other NFL owners tend to lack.

Barry Bonds' coverage also annoys me to death. I am kind of torn on whether he actually took steroids. But one thing is true, as long as the league doesn't have a positive Steroid test from Bonds, all the speculations and "black clouds" surrounding Bonds'legacy is irrelevant. I don’t care if they produce a picture with Barry Bonds juggling steroids in front of the Balco Labratories; it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have a positive test. My specific problem with the Sports Media concerning Bonds is when people suggest that an asterisk be put beside Bonds' name because of the steroids speculation. Not only is this ridiculous from the jump because of the speculation but may I suggest that they put an "asterisk" beside every championship and record before 1946 because there weren't any black players in the league? How can those accomplishments be legitimate if they didn't compete with black talent?

Terrel Owens and the Super Bowl come to mind, simply because I have noticed that sports announcers play the "adjective game" whenever they get the chance. When Owens rehabbed his ankle and expressed how he desperately wanted to come back and help his team in the Super Bowl announcers called him "selfish" and "arrogant". That infuriates me, because I remember when Bret Farve came back from an injury faster than he should have to help his team, announcers praised Farve and being "brave" and a "true warrior". What in the fuck did I miss here??

Lastly, let me take this time to bash black sports reporters. There are definitely qualified and exceptional black sports reporters out there so excuse me for the generalization. But for all you weak willed, hand trembling variety of black sports reporters that may read my blog, the next few sentences are directed at you. I feel that many of you are similar to black police officers that I have encountered in my lifetime. At first glance a person would think that you would at least be fair to someone that looks like you. But simply because you don't want to be thought of as giving preferential treatment to a black person you go out of your way to mistreat and disrespect. That is what the black sportscaster does. Concerning Kobe, Owens, Moss and Bonds the ones screaming the loudest tend to be the black sports reporter. I miss the days when sports was so simple and I didn't how how incompetent the media was. Ignorance sure is bliss.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

My Long Trek to Orlando..On a BUS!!


(Act 1)Spring 2001: I was in a very dangerous place, scary in fact. My father had just died, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had just been dumped after being in a relationship for five years. Disregarded for another man, which made matters even worse. I felt a combination of hurt feelings and foolish pride. Hurt because something that was a daily routine was coming to a end, and I had a hurt male ego because another man was going to make the woman that I love moan and scream while I contemplate throwing myself off a bridge. Looking back those feelings were so unlike me, possibly because I didn't really care about anyone until that point so the new feelings of hurt and betrayal were foreign to me. Sitting around constantly thinking about it was driving me crazy so I knew that I had to get out of town.

I had a friend name Jill who lived in Orlando Florida and I thought it was a great idea to check her out. OK, she wasn't really a friend, she was someone that I had met a a while ago but I kept it platonic simply because I was in a relationship. But now that I was single again, what better way to make myself feel better then to escape V.A and possibly get some unadulterated "out of town" sex. The trip to Orlando was unplanned, so unplanned in fact that I didn't reserve a hotel room or a rental car. So unplanned that I didn't go by plane, I decided to go by bus. I bought the bus ticket as I clinched a suitcase full of unfolded clothes, money, boxes of condoms, and about 20 little bottles of booze that would make the pain go away(albeit momentarily). I asked the cashier how many hours it was from Norfolk, Virginia to Orlando. She said, "with all the layovers and bus changes it's about 24 hours."

Jesus, 24 hours!!?? Well, I figured it would be therapeutic to have some time to myself and work some things out. As I looked out the window and as different scenery passed in front of my eyes, I silently wondered if this incredible pain would ever vanish. Between staring out of the window and sneaking sips of liquor, I had many interesting conversations with complete strangers. I don't know if the simple human interaction made me feel better, or the miserable state of affairs some of these individuals were in, but they definitely put my problems in the proper perspective.

I had a conversation with a woman named Gloria who had just had a sex change operation and her family was so furious that she claimed that they were trying to kill her(Her birth name was Gary). On a layover, I was in a freestyle session with a couple of Native American dudes who told me that they were trying to get a record deal and they were on their way to Miami.

A woman named Tracy sat beside me and through our conversation I learned that she had been a prostitute for 10 years. She said she had recently "stopped whoring" and it was her main ambition to get into the "pimping game." She even offered me a "mercy blow" because of my recent breakup. Tempting as it was, I politely declined.

There was a hour layover in some town in South Carolina, where I struck up a conversation with a woman named Diane. Diane was a sex therapist and she proceeded in asking me extremely personal questions about various topics. After about 15 minutes of intense interrogation, she told me that I was a sex addict and that sex is constantly on my mind. I responded, as nicely as I could, "No shit doc, You didn't need a PHD to tell me that!"

The last person that I met on my long journey was a 65 year old man named John. John looked just like Willie Nelson, no lie. He told me that he was active in the civil rights movement in the 50's and 60's, and that he was a Vietnam vet. When I told John that the only time I saw my father cry was when he told me how some white guys on his navy ship "cheered when JFK was killed", John also began to tear up. John was going to Orlando to visit his son, he seemed like a very nice man.


(Act 2)I arrived in Orlando, tired and irritated from the long ass bus ride that I had just taken. Jill said that she was going to pick me up so I waited at the bus station. After about a half hour she arrives and we were on our way. I told her that I needed to get a hotel so we searched for a vacant room, but apparently something was going on that weekend and everything was booked. Everything but the shittiest hotel room I have ever witnessed. No lie, the hotel that I stayed at was called "Howard Jones", not Howard Johnson but "Howard Jones". You get the idea, I wasn't exactly staying at the Ritz Carlton.

As soon as me and Jill entered my room it smelled like vintage ass and mildew, and a pimp was literally beating the shit out one of his "girls" next door. Jill says to me, "Critic, I have to tell you something." Looking rather frustrated due to the miserable state of affairs the room was in I said, "What is it??" She then informed me that she had a boyfriend, and she felt bad that she mislead me. "A boyfriend!", I said, "Why didn't you say something earlier, like before I got here!" She shrugged and give an insufficient response. In need of a drink, I pulled out some of my alcohol that I had in my bag. After about an hour we both got totally shit faced, and Jill was making advances toward me. I know that she had a boyfriend, but I figured since I will never see him face to face anyway then who cares. It was tye wrong thing to do, but I forgot about morals after me and Jill had a sweat induced hour of sin. She did things to me that would make a porn star brush, I have been crass on my blog before but even I can't specifically go there.

As Jill was leaving she tells me that her and her home-girl will be over at 9pm so we can go clubbing. It sounded good to me since I was definitely curious about the nightlife in the city. Around 9:30 the next evening I am dressed and ready to go and I hear someone honking the horn outside my room. I see its Jill so I venture out to her car, just knowing that this night will be one for the record books.

As I enter the automobile I immediately notice that a man is driving, then Jill says, "Critic, this is my boyfriend Mark." As I shook his hand I immediately felt like shit, knowing that I would be hanging with the boyfriend of a girl that 24 hours earlier I had her folded up like origami. On top of that, the guy ended up being one of the coolest guys on earth, which made me feel even more like a shit heel.

That night we went to various nightclubs and had a fantastic time. Avoiding a physical altercation that night was a must, not because I am grown and I know better, but because someone told me that if you get caught fighting in Orlando that they handcuff you to a tree until the bars close and the the cops take you to jail. I doubted the legitimacy of that claim, but I wasn't trying to find out.

I stayed in Orlando a few more days, seeing the city and conversing with the townspeople. Looking back it was so cathartic, it's like I was getting out of my own way. As I took the long bus ride back I felt so much better, even though I knew that the pain and the hurt would remain for some time. All the people that I talked to, the stories ranging from hope to despair, I realized what I experienced was a simple road bump on the roadway of life. Since then I keep my eyes on the road, and I drive anxiously awaiting what I will encounter next.

Beware of Killer Biscuits


(I got this from my friend Y. Massey)


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

AP-(Don't know if this is true)Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there they went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. After grocery shopping, Linda stayed in the car while her in-laws went into another store. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Monday, February 21, 2005

The NBA - "I hate this Game!"

Charles Barkley- “This is a hip-hop weekend not a NASCAR race.”

I have been a fan of basketball for as long as I can remember. I wasn't good enough or tall enough to play in High School so I stuck to track. But that didn't stop me from playing as much as possible, imagining I was Michael Jordan as I took it strong to the hoop. Currently I have a membership to the YMCA where I play at least three times a week, and I exhibit the same intensity and love for the sport as I did as a teen. Even though the average age of my opponent at my local YMCA is about 45 years of age or older, that doesn't stop me from blocking their shot and screaming "Get that weak shit out of here motherfucker!!" Man I love this game.

Also, for as long as I remember, I have been a fan of the NBA's All Star Game. Nothing beats seeing your favorite player participating in the dunk contest, or wondering who was going to dunk on who in the All Star Game. But sadly, the All Star Game has lost much of its luster due to my slipping interest in the NBA in general and the lack of big names that actually enter the Dunk contest

But this year I decided to watch the All Star festivities, not to reconnect with a pastime that I once enjoyed, but because I didn't have shit else to do. It was a pretty uneventful All Star weekend, the Dunk Contest lacked any Big names and the Three point contest was just as boring. But last night's All Star Game is what really caught my attention. The game itself was alright, nothing to write home about. Those games are pretty much summed up with no one playing any real defense, your favorite player not playing more than 15 minutes, sloppy passes, and someone being dunked on at least 5 times. My criticism is the music selection that the NBA used the entire weekend.

First off, they had R&B singer Tamia sing the Canadian National Anthem and she did a pretty good job. After that you'd expect them to bring out Patty Labelle or some other strong voiced R&B icon to sing the American National Anthem Right? Wrong. They had some Military Chorus Group sing the national Anthem. Listen, I know that we all support our brave men and women who risk their lives daily, but I don't want see their ass in a Chorus group making the National Anthem as boring a experience as listening to Queen Latifah's latest jazz album. I mean, Vanessa Williams sang the National Anthem at the Datona 500 for Christ sake! Even though they had Destiny Child as one of the featured performers, that didn't stop the musical catastrophe that would be the lineup for the entire night.

Destiny's Child performed, but every time I hear their song "Soldier" I want to to go out in public and brutally assault any man that considers himself a thug. To quote Sticky Fingers in the song "Slam", "but, but, but, but, wait it gets worse!!" The entire weekend consisted of performances from Leann Rimes, The Goo Goo Dolls, American Idol Kelly Clarkson, and a country group called Big and Rich. I know that the NBA is trying to reach out and get a broader fan base but Big and Rich?? I don't have any problems with each act specifically, but when a league is 92% black you would think that they would have musical talent that was more fitting with the make-up of the league. Hell, yesterday was the first time that I can think of where I wouldn't have minded if Nelly had performed.

The performance of Big and Rich took the cake. Sadly, I knew who Big and Rich were prior to their performance last night. To get a few cheap laughs, I will watch the country channel because Country and Western videos are as cheesy as Gospel Hip Hop videos. I am easily entertained. Anyway, I watched them perform last night and couldn't believe that the NBA would pick such horsehit talent.

After the performance Charles Barkley said that the country better get over the Janet Jackson "incident" because the talent that the NBA picked was horrible. He went on to say “This is a hip-hop weekend not a NASCAR race." Even though Barkley has a history of putting his foot in his mouth, occasionally he gets it right. Amen Charles.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A Idiots Guide To Cheating..

I know that this will be the most hated post I have ever written, especially from the females who view this blog. Let me apologize beforehand. OK, lets get down to business:

This post is dedicated to all the men who have ever cheated and been stupid about it. In no way do I condone cheating, and now that I'm older I see the cowardice in it. But I have had friends, 3 to be exact, come to me and tell me that they got caught recently. They shouldn't of cheated in the first place, but how stupid they were inspired me to write a guide for all the men who have ever been caught because of their utter stupidity..

1. I Don't want to meet your homegirl: If you are having a fling, meet as little of her associates/family as possible. It is one thing trying to avoid seeing the other woman when out with your main squeeze, but you don't want to worry about a shitload of siblings and yacking ass girlfriends.

2. Avoid any photo ops: For Christs sake, avoid being photographed with your "side thang". It is a small world, and for all you know she could be friends with your main girlfriends coworker, who happened to go to her house and see a picture of your dumb ass on the mantle. Avoid camera's.

3. Your brother is cool and all..: This goes to the main girlfriend or the fling..Don't be suckered in and befriend her brother, its a waste of time. I don't care how cool they are, because that one time at the club that you hang with him and you innocently flirt with a waitress he will go back and "dry snitch" that information quicker than Kobe Bryant snitched on Shaq.

4. Take both women to entire different places. This one is pretty obvious, but you would be surprised how many men take women to the exact same spots. I used to take dates to this restaurant that I liked. I took this one women there and the waiter comes back and says, "I'm glad that the both of you are back, its good to see you both." Problem with that is I had never taken her there before.

5.Keep your friends in the loop: When men are questioned they always blurt out some random friend that they were hanging with, assuming that his girl wouldn't check it out. But when she does check it out, your ass is officially caught. Plan shit out, inform your friend what the lie is in case she wants to verify your excuse. Women are better at this than men.

6.Different social circles: If your current girlfriend loves going to poetry slams, you might want to stay away from any fling that also loves going to poetry events.. They might have the same social circles and you will get caught quick-fast..

7.Keep you behavioral habits the same: Women can sense when her man is cheating, try to maintain the same routine that you have always kept. Any change in said routine and immediate red flags go up.

8.Think about changing your identity: If you have a common name like Joe or John it isn't really problematic. But if your name happens to be something uncommon like "Aluwishus" you might want to go by something more simple, in case your name is uttered someplace.(For example, when I was in college I was dating two Girls. One of the women went to buy me some jewlery from the other woman I was dating. They had a conversation about how funny it was that they both had a boyfriend named James, and I heard that same story from both of them later. If my name was "Aluwishus" I would of been caught..)

9. Keep the same sexual habits: If you are a pretty standard love maker, but all of a sudden you start pouring hot wax on chicks and bringing toys to the bedroom, your girlfriend will know something is up. Keep it the same and keep suspicions low.(Always, Always strap up!)

10.By all Means, Keep your mouth Shut!: The Biggest mistake guys have is they want to blab all of their sexual exploits to their buddies. This is problematic simply because your friends will go tell their girlfriend about your dirty deeds and you are as good as caught. Also, if your friend has a secret crush on your current girlfriend he will find a way to fuck your shit up..

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Fear of a Black Owner..

If the other NFL owners OK the sale of the Minnesota Vikings to Reggie Fowler, he will be the first African American owner in NFL history. Do your thing brother.

White House Shill Exposed, Literally..

Jeff Gannon, a man that was provided White House Media credentials who had no journalistic background, asked the president and his spokesman "softball" questions during various press conferences, and would regularly reprint long passages verbatim from official press releases as original news articles has been exposed. He calls himself a White House correspondent for TalonNews.com.

When you watch these press conferences, you expect the question that the journalist to ask to be objective. Of course the journalist's there might have a certain political Ideology, but there is a certain degree of decorum and objectivity when asking questions. This Gannon guy wore his politics on his sleeve, and proceeded in wording his questions in a way that would make anyone believe that they were a Bush "plant".

For Example:

At a press conference, Gannon attacked Democratic Senate leaders and called them "divorced from reality.

Gannon linked Senator John F. Kerry, Democrat of Massachusetts, to Jane Fonda and questioned why anyone would dispute Bush's National Guard service.

Gannon Quote: "Inasmuch as Bill Clinton is considered by some members of the African American community to be 'the first black president' because of their perception of his positions with regard to minority issues, Democratic Sen. John Kerry might someday be known as 'the first gay president' were he to win the White House in November."

This is supposed to be a objective journalist? Well, it seems that Mr. Gannon has just got his bitch card pulled. First, both Talon and the political organization GOP USA were run by a Texas Republican activist named Bobby Eberle. Second, many of Gannon's reports filed for Talon News were lifted verbatim from White House and Republican political committee documents.

Here are some more interesting tidbits. For one thing the guy's name is James "JD" Guckert. Wait a minute, in a day where terrorism is a main theme of the Bush Presidency, why would the White House allow almost daily access to news briefings to someone using a pseudonym?? Not only that but it has came out that gay websites such as hotmilitarystud.com, militaryescorts.com and militaryescorts4m.com are registered to the same owner as Gannon's Website jeffgannon.com. Reports say that Gannon himself are featured on some of these websites. I thought the republicans were supposed to be about "family Values"?? My ass..

This guy, in my opinion, was allowed credentials simply because he would soften the questioning of President Bush. His main purpose was to promote Republican propaganda and they knew exactly what they were doing. But this isn't that shocking since Bush made people who attended his campaign rallies sign a "loyalty agreement" so they wouldn't protest. This is the same guy who had people arrested if they had a John Kerry T-shirt anywhere around his campaign rallies. This is the same coward that knew what questions he would be asked when he held his "townhall meetings" with ordinary citizens.

This is just another chapter in the continuous history of misleading done by the Bush administration. Jeff Gannon/James Guckert(whatever your fucking name is), you have been exposed. Literally and figuratively..

Friday, February 11, 2005

Embarrassing moments in my Marijuana History


Even though it has been a great while since I have smoked marijuana, I have embarrassing memories of things that I have done while under the influence of said drug. It's weird, when it comes to alcohol I am friendly and pretty jovial when I've had one too many. But there is something about marijuana that doesn't agree with me. Here are a few true stories concerning my deplorable marijuana history.

Speed Racer: A few friends and I were driving home from a concert that we had went to. We had gotten high at the concert but the marijuana didn't kick in until we were half way home. I felt that I was speeding, and my friends kept telling me to slow down. I ignored them, and continued to race down the street. Then the cops pulled us over. When the officer approached me he said, "Son, do you know how fast you were going?" I said, "I don't know, pretty fast huh?" The officer gave me a bewildered look and said, "You were going 7 miles an hour!!!"

You know I love your momma!!: My ex's mother would call all hours of the night and basically have nothing to say. I secretly despised her but we all know to keep those sentiments to yourself when you are in a relationship. I had smoked some weed with my homeboy and I came to our apartment high as a kite. Around 3:30 in the morning her mother calls again with no agenda as usual. I answered the phone in a marijuana haze and said, "What in the fuck do you want?? Get a fucking life already!" As soon as those words left my mouth I knew I was in trouble, and I was. But I must admit, it was pretty cathartic to get my true feelings off my chest. We all should do that more.

Is there a doctor in the House??: My friend Alex was having a party to celebrate the engagement to his current wife Susan. During the course of the festivities a bunch of us got high in Alex's back yard. Everything was cool until I felt my heart racing. I played it off for a while, hoping that the rapid heart palpitations would calm down but they never did. I started to freak out, asking everyone in the party to check my pulse. I kept saying, "Don't let me die in this motherfucker!!" I was bugging out. I had a group of people around me praying like I was going to die. I scared the shit out of everyone who was in attendance. To this day I feel bad because I ruined what was supposed to be a very special occasion. Alex, if you read this blog, I'm sorry.

Last call for alcohol: I used to go to this specific bar all the time and this girl used to work there named Olivia. She was Cuban and was by far the finest physical specimen I have ever seen. I'm not insecure,(ok, maybe a little) but this girl was definitely out of my league. I would talk shit to her and it never worked, until one day she had said that she wanted to go out with me. So we went to dinner, a little dancing, alcohol..it was a pretty cool night. Then we get to her apartment and she pulled out some weed. Something told me not to but my dumb ass did anyway. As we got into it she gave me, well, what I affectionately call "the neck and the scalp massage"(mouth hugs, add your own obscure reference). While she was doing her thing I fell asleep. That night I learned that I snore and I can't be woken up if I have smoked weed. She told me that she put a condom on me and rode me while I was asleep. I don't believe that. But just think, I might of had sex with the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen, and I don't remember one second of it because I was asleep!! Shit..

Cursing out the Rev: Ok, you know earlier when I said that I hadn't smoked weed in a while?? Well, that was a lie. The weekend after the election I was still sort of in a state of anger because the country had just re-elected the "Barney Fife" of presidents. I was invited to a dinner party that a friend of mine was having, but before I went there I stopped by a friends house and got high. I didn't intend to, but I did. When I arrived at the party we got into a conversation about politics. This preacher went on about 10 minutes on how the country "chose right" when they re-elected Bush. He was saying that John Kerry was for abortions and that is why he told everybody who came to his church to vote for Bush. As he went on and spewed this bile, my temperature started to rise until I just exploded. In yet another marijuana haze, I said the following: "That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. OK, people in your church are struggling, have members of their family that are in Iraq, unemployed, don't have health care.. and you tell them to vote for Bush because of "abortion"? You are a jackass! You and all those other "sweaty Baptists" I see on television Sunday morning, misleading their own people. You betray our trust!" The night ended with him saying something about me going to hell and me responding with some witty expletive. Lord, even though I don't think he was a legitimate messenger of yours, please forgive me..

HumanityCritic's Superhero Confirmation Hearing

News Reporter: I am standing outside of the Justice League Headquarters, where the confirmation hearing of the HumanityCritic will take place. Some people think that the humanitycritic has a uphill battle since he doesn't have any obvious superpowers. It should be an interesting day, lets go to the hearing:

Superman:(banging gavel) All right everyone settle down!! HumanityCritic, welcome!

HumanityCritic: Thanks

Superman: I'm not going to beat around the bush here. We don't think that you are qualified to be a superhero. Listen, when you bitchslapped Rush Limbaugh and made him weep we all applauded you for that. When you paid those ghetto chicks to beat the brakes off of Ann Coulter, we all had a huge laugh around the office. When you battled Bush on the White House lawn we all gave you mad love. But come on, those aren't superpowers..

HumanityCritic: Why not??

Superman: Well, it says here that your powers are "Dismantling black conservatives, promoting Real hip hop, loving loose women, and having the ability to leap strip clubs in a single bound." Is this a joke? These are not superpowers!

Spiderman: I agree. Superman can fly and has super strength. I can climb walls, shoot webbing and a ton of other shit. Batman, Wonderwoman, all bring something to the table. Reading your blog, the only thing you bring is your love of Hip Hip, hate for Bush, and you have been in a shitload of bar fights. Big fucking deal!

HumanityCritic: If I become a superhero, I think that I can offer a service to the community that none of you can. See, I'm a asshole, and I think that through my influence I can make people see that venting their true feelings can be very therapeutic, thus making their lives better..

Wonderwoman: Go on..

HumanityCritic: Not only that, these conservatives must be stopped. Most of you have tried to be non-partisan when fighting crime and I applaud that, I really do. But, I would work tirelessly to systematically show the pimp hand to whoever needs it. Bill O'Reilly getting out of control? I will go to his show and beat him in front of his viewers. A black conservative making you ill? Not only would he be on the business end of a pounding, I would tie his ass to a chair and force him to watch "Roots" on a 24 hour loop.

Batman: Not bad..

Wonderwoman: Pretty good.

Spiderman: Wait a minute!! Don't let him sway you.. You don't have any real superpowers!! We could make you a special suit, but you would just be a regular guy inside the suit. Then what would you be?

HumanityCritic:Batman??

Batman: Hey, take it easy..

Spiderman: Cute. Plus, if we make you a superhero you would just abuse your power in the first place..

HumanityCritic: True, I would a little. But you must admit, saying "You know I'm a superhero" has to be a instant panty dropper!

Aquaman: Works all the time bro!

Spiderman: Ok, I feel you on that. If we make you a superhero you would be even more mischievous than you are now. I am sure that you would cost the city millions of dollars due to your shenanigans!

Wonderwoman: You would be a embarrassment!

Superman: Think of all the lives you would risk..

HumanityCritic: Hold on! Spiderman, you have the audacity to talk about "costing the city millions." I'm not the one that leaves his webbing all over town, costing the city a fortune to clean that mess up. Plus it is disgusting, it looks like sperm that a giant might leave.

Spiderman:(clearing throat) Well..

HumanityCritic: Wonderwoman, I'd be a embarrassment? I'm not the one who moonlights at a job that clearly makes you the embarrassment of this entire group. I'm not going to say what job you do in your spare time, but the hooker boots and the skimpy outfits are a dead giveaway.

man in audience:(yelling) I thought she looked familiar, she works at The Flaming Vagina as a Dancer!!

Wonderwoman:(looking nervous): I'm not a dancer..

Batman: Well your ass does come to work with glitter all over your body, and certain days you do smell like a bums nutsack..

Wonderwoman: Your ass didn't complain about the "smell" last night!!

HumanityCritic: Superman, you are the most hypocritical of all

Superman: In what way??

HumanityCritic: You talk about me risking lives, but how about all the women you have killed over the past few years because you keep trying to fuck non-superhero women. The government has covered up hundreds of women that you have killed because you can't keep it in your pants..

Superman: Listen Jackass, I will break you like a twig. Who in the hell are you talking to? I am the strongest man in the world and you try to embarrass me? You know what, I'm going to end you now!!

(Superman begins to get up, but then HumanityCritic reaches in his pocket and tosses a piece of Kryptonite at him)

Superman:(nervously bobbling the Kryptonite, screaming like a bitch)

HumanityCritic: That's what I thought tough guy, sit your ass down!

Superman:(Breathing heavily, recovering from the Kryptonite): Ok, enough of this, we will deliberate and come back with our final decision:

(20 minutes later)

Superman: After a vigorous debate, one that I have lost, we Herby make HumanityCritic a honorary Superhero, Congrats HumanityCritic!!

(crowd erupts)

(Superman walks over to HumanityCritic and shakes his hand. Smiling, he whispers in HumanityCritics ear)

Superman:(whispering): If you ever try to play me for a fool again I will tear you to shreds mother fucker..

HumanityCritic: Ok

Superman: Say a few words to the good people of this city.

(HumanityCritic appraoches the podium)

HumanityCritic: I want to thank all the superhero's who voted me in, the people of this city who supported me, and my family. I want to thank Ray-Ray, little Suge, Big Hank at the barber shop..

Batman:(whispering to Wonderwoman) This miserable bastard is giving shout outs!

HumanityCritic: I plan to protect this city from the ills that plaugue it. Uncle Tom Negro's, Hip Hop detractors, women who don't give it up on the first date, shit like that. Also,..

Man in crowd:(standing up yelling) Get your damn hand out of my pocket!!

(HumanityCritic dives behind the podium.)

Superman:(helps HumanityCritic up) What is wrong with you??

HumanityCritic: Nothing, Don't worry about it..(goes back to the podium) Thank you everyone, I will do the best job possible.

(applause)

News Reporter: It's official, HumanityCritic is now a legitimate superhero. Black republicans, Jah Rule fans, and all around republican scum have something new to worry about... and that something, is the HumanityCritic!!!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Bush vs. HumanityCritic: Rap Battle on the White House Lawn Pt. 2

(HumanityCritic is at the cleaners, picking up his Superhero Costume)

HumanityCritic: Yall do a great job, got Rush Limbaugh's blood stains out and everything!

Lee: We Aim to please HumanityCritic!

(HumanityCritic's phone rings)

HumanityCritic: Hello

Bill Clinton: Critic!! Long time no hear from, why haven't you returned my calls?

HumanityCritic: What am I your girl?? Plus, you tried to make a pass at my girlfriend last time..

Bill: Now Critic, how was I supposed to know she was your girlfriend??

HumanityCritic: Ohh I don't know??.. Probably the part where I said to you "Bill, let me introduce you to my girlfriend ." Motherfucker, What do you want??

Bill Clinton: My bad..Well, Bush told me to tell you that he wants a rematch of the battle you had months ago. He has scheduled it at the White House in a few days

HumanityCritic: But I already took his ass out last time, why should I even bother?

Bill Clinton: Well, he has gotten a lot better and claims he will wipe the floor with you. Not to mention that he has memorized "Beat Street" and "Krush Groove" by heart. He is not playing.

HC: Cool, I'll be there. By the way, how are you enjoying Harlem??

BC: Critic, I have seen so many juicy asses in the past few days..I mean, the only reason why I even messed with Monica was because she had a black girl's booty, and now I am surrounded by many well manicured "backyard's"..

HC: Hillary isn't around is she?

BC:(laughing) Of course not!!

(A few Days Later on the White House Lawn)

Ted Koppel: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we are back on the White House Lawn where George W. Bush will try to avenge his previous loss to the HumanityCritic. But this time it's quite different, Bush got re-elected and probably has a new bag of tricks. Rumor has it that HumanityCritic has been drinking, watching porn, writing in his blog, and hanging with loose women. He might not be in the best possible condition.

Brian Williams: But he was doing all those things when he beat Bush's ass the first time.

Ted Koppel: Oh..

Michael Buffer:(grabbing the Mic suspended in the air) Ladies and Gentlemen, coming from the beautiful White House Lawn in Washington DC, we have a battle of the century! Leets Get Reaaady To Ruuuumble!!! In this corner, wearing a Brooks Brother suit and sporting a shit eating grin on his face, George W. Bush!(crowd applauds. Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly throw up W's) And in this corner, wearing a "I Like Bush-The vagina not our asshole President" T-shirt, HumanityCritic!!(crowd applauds, Sean Penn pumps his fist, Micheal Moore screams "Get em' Critic!", Hillary Clinton flashes her breasts that say "I love You Critic" on them.) Gentlemen, we flipped a coin and Bush goes first. Keep it clean!

George W. Bush: Hit it DJ!

(DJ puts on the "T.R.O.Y" instrumental by Pete Rock and CL Smooth)

George W. Bush: Check it, check it.. Here we go

I'll start this ill ass rhyme flow kind of slow/
WMD's I didn't find though, America didn't mind though/
I'm fucking out of sight similar to a blind hoe/
I have the right mind bro, to backhand you and remind those/
That through all your efforts, I got re-elected/
Even though I was disrespected, I broke election records/
Look at the map, nothing but red states/
I have a mandate, watch me raise med. rates/
You'll claim that I'm a racist, save your breath kid/
I have more minorities on my staff than Clinton did/
"Kidnap the President's wife without a plan"/
I'm the fucking man, watch me go bomb Iran/
You want to try and hurt me but you lack the maturity/
I have the power, watch me privatize Social Security/
John Kerry was more worthy, but we painted him like a sucker/
HumanityCritic gets no wins, how you like me now motherfucker??


Ted Koppel: Bush throws his hands up in Victory!! The crowd goes crazy!! Laura Bush gives HumanityCritic the finger. Ann Coulter and Newt Gingrich start doing a breakdance routine. HumanityCritic is, well, he has his hands on the Bush twins breasts. How could he not be concerned with Bush's outstanding performance??

Michael Buffer: Critic, your up next..

HumanityCritic: DJ, do you thing..

(DJ throws on the Instrumental to Nas' "Thief's Theme")

HumanityCritic: One-two, One-two..Here we go..

Are you kidding me?? Your re-election is a mystery/
How does it feel to have the highest deficits in history?/
The world gives you the long stare, Iraq-we shouldn't of gone there/
Why does our president have the I.Q of a lawn chair?/
A drooling incompetent, plus you can't get your plans straight/
Besides, 51% is not a fucking mandate/
You got the most votes in history and that is pretty scary/
Do you know who got the second most, jackass? John Kerry/
You have black folks on your staff, but you understand how that goes/
Everybody knows that you can't trust House Negro's/
You were a cocaine abuser, can I ask you something man?/
Have you started "using" again to want to attack Iran?/
Your like Vanilla Ice, lying about your hood/
Your originally From Connecticut, douchebag up to no good/
Plus Cheney is the real Pres, you can't bust my groove/
Wack ventriloquist: While you rapped I saw his mouth move./
Social Security: You plan is beyond belief/
Countries have tried it and its failed. You're our Imbecile-in-Chief!/


Ted Koppel: HumanityCritic throws his Mic in the crowd and goes over and mushes Bush in the face! It seems that HumanityCritic has done it again!! Ted Kennedy is doing the crip walk!! Bill Clinton and Al Gore are doing the Cabbage patch as the HumanityCritic walks by. Hillary is embracing HumanityCritic and she is slipping him her number)

Hillary Clinton: Call me! I heard that Bill tried to get with your girlfriend. Plus I have been trying to get even since the Monica Lewinsky mess..

HC: Nah, Bill ain't shit but I couldn't do that.

Bush Twins:(batting eyelashes) We Love you HumanityCritic!! We'll do anything!!

HC: Do you know what a "Mouth Hug" is?

Bush Twins: Whats that??

HC: hahahahahaha

Fade To Black

Monday, February 07, 2005

A Teenage Love..(Well, I was 17 and she was 29)

*Disclaimer* The following post will probably get me in trouble since I have only disclosed this information to a couple of people.

Picture this. It was early spring 1991 and I was a senior in High School. I was on the track team, and at the time I was blasting Public Enemy, De La Soul, and A Tribe Called Quest.(They had just came out) Matter of fact, I am still blasting those artists, I guess not a lot has changed. I wasn't a virgin, but since my sexual record consisted of "De-flowering" a hand full of High School girls, I wouldn't say that I was all that experienced in the Bedroom. Plus, to girls who had never had sex before, I was like Ron Jeremy and shit.

It came to my attention that our family would have a house guest for a unspecified amount of time. My parents had befriended a woman from Nova Scotia named Sherry and she was going to live with us until she could get on her feet. I didn't really think much of it, and since my father told me that she was "considerably older" than me I had envisioned her being around 50..

When she arrived at our house after her long trek from Nova Scotia, she was beautiful. Caramel complexion, legs that wouldn't quit, and I totally dug her accent. But realistically I never thought that she would even acknowledge me, since I was 17 and she was 29. So for the next few weeks, after I got to know her better, I talked as much shit as a teenager could. "Girl, do you know what I'd do to you??" "Don't let my age fool you, I have experience beyond my years." Unbelievably arrogant talk from a person that had only been with a few, inexperienced girls. But my logic at the time was that she wouldn't take me seriously, nothing would ever happen so why not have fun with it?

UNTIL we were up late watching videos one weekend. I was talking the usual shit, she was laughing and shaking her head, then all of a sudden she says, "Critic, come over here" Thinking she was joking, or that she was going to playfully slap me, I proceeded to the couch where she was. "What's up?', I said. She then grabbed the back of my head and started kissing me like a lover who hasn't seen their mate in ages. For all the shit I talked I was definitely shocked beyond belief. We made out on the floor, where she got on top of me and slowly undressed me. I mean, I thoroughly enjoyed what she was doing to me and I was a willing participant, but at the same time I felt like she was devouring me. The biting, the rubbing, the moaning, the sucking..Four verbs that I never experienced with any of the girls I have been with. She said, "You don't need a condom, I'm OK." Its funny, because even though I was inexperienced I knew to always strap up. I ran upstairs and opened a drawer with about 200 condoms in it and took one out.(I actually thought that I would be getting that much ass. Silly me) I ran back downstairs and put the condom on, kissed her gently, and proceeded in aiding her with committing a criminal act.(Hey, I was 17)

You know how you hear heroin addicts say that the first time they took a hit of heron it felt like "home"? Well, as I thrusted with the inaccuracy of a inexperienced 17 year old, I immediately realized what I was feeling would be my lifelong addiction. It seems like I was making love to her for a long time, but I am pretty sure it was relatively brief. I finished and she laid on my chest, she looked in my eyes and said, "Ohh, You made me have a orgasm". Which was probably her being kind, but I was so inexperienced in sex and terminology she could of said, "Ohh, I enjoy wearing meat helmets" and it would of meant the same thing to me.

I was hooked, and for the remainder of the School Year I officially had "In-house"! Put it this way: I had to be the happiest High School Student to ever breath!! She was bold too.. She would sneak in my room while I was sleep and wake me up to what I affectionately call a "mouth hug". We would have sex when my parents were in the next room, she would quickly pull my pants down and have her way with me when one of my parents simply went upstairs to get something.. It was crazy. Through every sexual encounter we had, she slowly molded and shaped me into the pervert that I am today..

Eventually she found someone her age and I was crushed, but I knew that it would come to an end one day. My parents never found out and I am glad because I think that my mother would probably hunt her ass down to this day. That is what makes this blog entry so risky, but I have to share my experiences with all you in the blogisphere. Looking back I have fond memories of my sexual rendezvous with a woman twelve years my senior. But I also have mixed feelings as well. I mean, I was 17 and she was 29, so I guess that is damn near statutory rape. Plus, even though I enjoyed every second with Sherry, she did show a great deal of disrespect to my parents who provided her a place to stay.

I saw her 10 years from the time she opened me up to the wonderful world of being a heathen. We talked about our experiences and she asked me if I ever told my parents. I told her that I hadn't told anyone and she was visibly relieved. She was saying that she was in town for another night and that I should come see her later at her hotel. I politely declined. It's funny, what you find tempting at 17 isn't so irresistible at 27.. Go figure..

Saturday, February 05, 2005

A Bitch Is a Bitch..


Bitch: n 1. A female dog or other canine animal. 2.Slang. a A Spiteful woman b. a lewd woman

Ladies relax, in no way is this post directed at you. The word bitch is commonly used in various forms of entertainment, and from men who frequently find pleasure in calling women out of their name. Have I ever called a woman a "bitch"? Sadly yes. But it has been years since I have engaged in such disrespect. Ok, that's a lie. When that chick called Iraqi's "Sand Niggers" in a bar room conversation I did tell her boyfriend that he should "put a leash on his bitch". But that's it. Ok, I lied again. When I was at a bar with a friend of mine he was interested in a woman who was sitting with her friends. I tried to warn him that approaching her in front of her friends was a mistake, but he refused my advice. He is a very nice guy, who wouldn't hurt a soul, so I began to get pissed off when the three ladies started joking my friend and calling him a lard ass. He came back to our table looking totally hurt. So, being the friend that I am and a certified asshole, I decided I would defend his honor. When I walked over to the table I was shocked to notice that these women were "big boned." Hey, I love me some healthy women, and I am a brother packing on a few extra lbs myself, but these women were in no position to call anyone a "lard ass". So after I said to them, "You bitches look like The Weather Girls, I keep expecting yall to sing "It's Raining men" and shit.", they weren't too pleased. On top of that it seems that one of them was a Hip Hop Fan because after I called them "The Disco Three" I thought that they wouldn't get the obscure reference. But one of them did and said "That's fucked up!"(The Disco Three was the original name for The Fat Boys) OK, Now THAT's It.. But the past few years I have used the term "bitch" to describe members of the male species. I searched high and low and I couldn't find a single dictionary that defines the word "bitch" the way that I use it. Here are some examples of men that personify the term "Bitch"

Catholic School Crushes:(1984) For about a two year time I went to Catholic School, St. Gregory's. I don't know what is wrong with me, but as long as I remember I have been a downright pervert. There was this puertorican girl that I had a crush on named Rosa, and to me she was the embodiment of beauty. You know you have a crush on someone when you write bad poems about them.(Bad meaning Bad not Bad meaning good) It came out that she liked me as well, so during recess we would talk and hold hands. Somehow it advanced to us kissing behind some bushes one day. I guess a beautiful Latina and catholic school uniforms do it for me. A classmate of ours name Greg saw us and told Sister Catherine. We were in a world of trouble, but I guess at that time the "getting beaten by a ruler" days were over. Greg, wherever you are, YOU ARE A BITCH!

Ray, you jealous bastard!:(1994) I had a friend named Ray who was going into the service. He was recently engaged, so for some reason he wanted me to become friendly with his fiancee since I was his "good friend". He said that he gave her my number and that he wanted me to check up on her. I said cool, with no intentions on ever seeing her face to face. She called a couple times, nice girl, 97%of the conversation was about Ray, it was cool. Then the girl informs me that Ray wants to kick my ass. What!!? Apparently, since the fiancee was living with Ray's mother, the mother filled Ray's head up and convinced him that I was fucking his fiancee. I had never seen this girl face to face!! I informed the girl that Ray knows where I live and that I would beat the shit out of him. Later, Ray apologized and said that he was "going through" something at the time. I excepted the apology but our friendship was never the same. Ray, YOU ARE A BITCH!

A bitch and a bar room brawl:(1997) My boy Jack was getting married so a group of us were celebrating at a bar one night because he didn't want a bachelor party. Apparently, a ex-boyfriend of Jack's fiancee was in the bar and was looking for trouble. He was talking about "killing" my boy right there and then. Since Jack can't fight I tried to diffuse the situation by separating the two of them, but that guy wasn't having any of that. *Pow* He caught me right in my eye, but as soon as I squared up the bouncers threw our ass outside. While we were outside, the guy tried to scare me by saying that he was a Navy Seal, trained in various forms of martial arts, and that he could "kill me in three moves." That might of scared most people but that doesn't work on me. Not because I'm tough, but because I think I am crazy. We squared up and I caught him with a upper cut and I blasted him in the nose. He went down holding his nose saying "I think you broke it!." He then said that he was calling the cops on me and that I was in "Big trouble." All that talk... Disgruntled ex-boyfriend, YOU ARE A BITCH!

The Bitch of the Year goes to..:(2003) I was in a relationship for 5 years, it didn't work out, that's life. About two years after our breakup my ex calls me and says "I heard that you were cheating on me when we were together!." "Really", I said, "Who said that?." Apparently, this guy named Buck(Name is changed to protect the not so innocent, but his name rhymes with Buck)told her that he knew that I was cheating with a girl that he knew. Buck is a friend of hers and I know him on a "hi-bye" basis. Anyway, he claimed that he knew while it was going on. He gave her all these phony details, it was unbelievable. Here is my problem with what he said: 1) For one thing, I never cheated on her with the girl in question. 2) If he was a real friend, why didn't he tell her at the time that he "knew" that I was cheating? Was he scared to hurt her? Scared that I would want to fight him? Or lying? Hmm 3) Why in the fuck would you wait two years after the break-up to even say anything?? 4) If I actually did cheat, isn't there a "guy code" about those sort of things? Buck, wherever you are I have a message for you. You are undeniably a cowardly, weak willed, sit-when-you-pee, hand-in your testicles, BITCH!

Friday, February 04, 2005

Rest In Peace Ossie Davis(1917-2005)

The Associated Press
Feb. 4, 2005
NEW YORK - Ossie Davis, the imposing, unshakable actor who championed racial justice on stage, on screen and in real life, often in tandem with his wife, Ruby Dee, has died. He was 87.

Davis was found dead Friday in his hotel room in Miami Beach, Fla., according to officials there. He was making a film called “Retirement,” said Arminda Thomas, who works in his office in suburban New Rochelle and confirmed the death.

Miami Beach police spokesman Bobby Hernandez said Davis’ grandson called shortly before 7 a.m. when Davis would not open the door to his room at the Shore Club Hotel. Davis was found dead and there does not appear to be any foul play, Hernandez said.

Davis, who wrote, acted, directed and produced for the theater and Hollywood, was a central figure among black performers for decades. He and Dee celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in 1998 with the publication of a dual autobiography, “In This Life Together.”

Their partnership called to mind other performing couples, such as the Lunts, or Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy. Davis and Dee first appeared together in the plays “Jeb,” in 1946, and “Anna Lucasta,” in 1946-47. Davis’ first film, “No Way Out” in 1950, was Dee’s fifth.

Both had key roles in the television series “Roots: The Next Generation” (1978), “Martin Luther King: The Dream and the Drum” (1986) and “The Stand” (1994). Davis appeared in three Spike Lee films, including “School Daze,” “Do the Right Thing” and “Jungle Fever.” Dee also appeared in the latter two; among her best-known films was “A Raisin in the Sun,” in 1961.

In 2004, Davis and Dee were among the artists selected to receive the Kennedy Center Honors.

Promoting cause of blacks in entertainment
When not on stage or on camera, Davis and Dee were deeply involved in civil rights issues and efforts to promote the cause of blacks in the entertainment industry. They nearly ran afoul of the anti-Communist witch-hunts of the early 1950s, but were never openly accused of any wrongdoing.

Actor Roy Scheider, who had performed with Davis and attended anti-war rallies with him, called Davis and Dee “the first political couple of America.”

“Ossie seemed to always show up at the right time, on the right side, which was always the human side,” Scheider said. “He was always progressive and had a very heartfelt sympathy for all people everywhere.”

Davis directed several films, most notably “Cotton Comes to Harlem” (1970) and “Countdown at Kusini” (1976), in which he also appeared with Dee. Both wrote plays and screenplays, and

Other films in which Davis appeared include “The Cardinal” (1963), “The Hill” (1965), “Grumpy Old Men” (1993), “The Client” (1994) and “I’m Not Rappaport” (1996), a reprise of his stage role 10 years earlier.

On television, he appeared in “The Emperor Jones” (1955), “Freedom Road” (1979), “Miss Evers’ Boys” (1997) and “Twelve Angry Men” (1997). He was a cast member on “The Defenders” from 1963-65, and “Evening Shade” from 1990-94, among other shows.

Davis had just started his new movie on Monday, said Michael Livingston, his Hollywood agent.

“I’m shocked,” Livingston said. “I’m absolutely shocked. He was the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. Such a classy, kindly man.” His wife had gone to New Zealand to make a movie there, Livingston said.

The oldest of five children, Davis was born in tiny Cogdell, Ga., in 1917 and grew up in nearby Waycross and Valdosta. He left home in 1935, hitchhiking to Washington to enter Howard University, where he studied drama, intending to be a playwright.

Catching the acting bug
His career as an actor began in 1939 with the Rose McClendon Players in Harlem, then the center of black culture in America. There, the young Davis met or mingled with some of the most influential figures of the time, including the preacher Father Divine, W.E.B. DuBois, A. Philip Randolph, Langston Hughes and Richard Wright.

He also had what he described in the book as a “flirtation with the Young Communist League,” which he said essentially ended with the onset of World War II. Davis spent nearly four years in service, mainly as a surgical technician in an Army hospital in Liberia, serving both wounded troops and local inhabitants.

Back in New York in 1946, Davis debuted on Broadway in “Jeb,” a play about a returning soldier. His co-star was Dee, whose budding stage career had paralleled his own. They had even appeared in different productions of the same play, “On Strivers Row,” in 1940.

In December 1948, on a day off from rehearsals from another play, Davis and Dee took a bus to New Jersey to get married. They already were so close that “it felt almost like an appointment we finally got around to keeping,” Dee wrote in “In This Life Together.”

As black performers, they found themselves caught up in the social unrest fomented by the then-new Cold War and the growing debate over social and racial justice.

“We young ones in the theater, trying to fathom even as we followed, were pulled this way and that by the swirling currents of these new dimensions of the Struggle,” Davis wrote in the joint autobiography.

Standing by discredited friends
He lined up with socialist reformer DuBois and singer Paul Robeson, remaining fiercely loyal to the singer even after Robeson was denounced by other black political, sports and show business figures for his openly communist and pro-Soviet sympathies.

While Hollywood and, to a lesser extent, the New York theater world became engulfed in McCarthyism controversies, Davis and Dee emerged from the anti-communist fervor unscathed.

“We’ve never been, to our knowledge, guilty of anything — other than being black — that might upset anybody,” he wrote.

They were friends with baseball star Jackie Robinson — Dee played his wife, opposite Robinson himself, in the 1950 movie “The Jackie Robinson Story” — and with Malcolm X.

In the book, Davis told how a prior commitment caused them to miss the Harlem rally where Malcolm was assassinated in 1965. Davis delivered the eulogy at Malcolm’s funeral, calling him “our own black shining prince — who didn’t hesitate to die, because he loved us so.” He reprised it in a voice-over for the 1992 Spike Lee film, “Malcolm X.”

Along with film, stage and television, the couple’s careers extended to a radio show, “The Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee Story Hour,” that ran on 65 stations for four years in the mid-1970s, featuring a mix of black themes.

Both made numerous guest appearances on television shows.

The "What in the Hell is going on" item of the Day.

A couple of days ago Rudy Tomjanovich resigned as coach of the Lakers, claiming the emotional strain was taking a toll on his health. Being a Lakers fan, and the only living inhabitant on planet earth that is still a Kobe Bryant fan, I wondered who they would get as a new head coach. Then the unbelievable happened, Phil Jackson's name was thrown in the mix as a replacement for Tomjanovich. Phil Jackson, the same Phil that left because the money he was offered wasn't enough, the same Phil that was supposedly "ran out of town" by Kobe Bryant?? The same Phil Jackson that wrote a tell all book blasting Kobe, and calling him everything but the son of god? His possible return is just a rumor right?? Maybe not. Jackson was quoted as saying that the situation in Los Angeles "intrigues" him, and the he would entertain a offer. Plus, he is dating Jeanie Buss, the daughter of laker owner Jerry Buss, and she has been on a few radio shows talking up Phil's return.

It sounds like a soap opera, but then again the Lakers have been a constant soap opera for the past 6 years so why should anything be different now. But then again, the reuniting of Kobe and Phil could work. One of the main arguments that they had was that Phil wanted to run the Offense through Shaq. But being that that whining malcontent has his "I can't seem to get Kobe's name out of my mouth" ass in Miami, that is no longer a problem. Can Phil take my Lakers back to the promiseland? I guess I have to wait and see.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Can this man give our party some testicles?

It looks like Howard Dean is the clear front-runner for chair of the Democratic National Committee. Personally, I hope he gets it because he is one of the only Democrats with a functioning pair of testicles. Plus, if it wasn't for Dean energizing the Democratic base during the primaries, John Kerry would of gotten blown out. There are many Democrats that are unhappy about Dean possibly becoming head of the DNC because their thinking is that the democratic party should move more to the right. Well, I say fuck that! That was John Kerry's problem in my opinion, he was so concerned with appealing to the middle that he didn't give people a real choice. Meaning, if you have a Republican on one side and Republican-lite on the other, people are going to vote Republican. I feel that John Kerry is a good man who would of been 8x better than George Bush, but dude ran a bitch-like campaign.

Howard Dean will energize the base once again, showing the voters that there is a clear difference between Democrats and Republicans. I have some tips for Dean if he ever decides to read these incoherent ramblings that I affectionately call my blog.

1.The "moral values" issue is horseshit. It is just some nonsense that the right tried to pull out of their ass to explain Bush's victory. Porn sales are at a all time high, and "Desperate Housewives" is the most popular show now, so give me a break with that shit.. Show America that there are "moral values" issues concerning education, unemployment, and health care.

2.Don't take the Black community for granted.. I know that black folks mostly vote Democratic but as you saw this past election, more black folks voted for Bush this time than in 2000. That is mostly because Bush shoved God down everybody's throat. So black folks who were unemployed, had a loved one in Iraq, can't afford health care, and a shitload of other ills brought upon by the Bush administration voted for Bush because he is "against abortion". Stupid motherfuckers..

3.We need more left wing "think tanks". The republicans are really good at getting their message out, primarily because they have so many political action committees and right wing think tanks. We definitely have to counter that from now to 08'.

4.Attack, Attack, Attack!! One of John Kerry's problems is that he didn't respond quick enough to those swift boat assholes who came forward and said that Kerry was lying about his medals. The inaccuracies and lies that these guys told were deplorable, but it took his campaign more than a week to respond. We as a party, have to be ready to fight back with the viciousness that the right does. We have been weak too long, its time to knuckle up!