Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Bad influence: My Drunken rant about "Club Etiquette"

The other day I was invited to the 21st birthday party of my friend Ron's kid brother, Michael. Michael has turned out to be quite the young man, smart as hell, responsible, great taste in Hip Hop, and on top of that he is headed to a prestigious law school pretty soon. It seems like only yesterday I was teaching him the proper way to "knock a motherfucker out", how putting visine in someones drink will get them sick as shit, and teaching him that there is nothing wrong with hitting someone with a chair if the opportunity presents himself. Then immediately I thought, "Damn, me and Ron could have really fucked this kid up. Instead of heading to law school, he could be headed to cell block D, washing the underwear of an ironically nicknamed inmate named Tiny." Thinking about the horrible things that we taught him, I started to feel like a father that abandons a child, and then that kid turns out to be a huge star despite him. Depressing the shit out of myself, I walk around the party and greet everyone, I was having a great time until I came upon Ron and Michael's mother named Jackie. Jackie says, "Who in the fuck invited you anyway?" I smile and say, "It's wonderful to see you too Ms. Smith, boy do you look lovely today!" She grimaces and says, "Fuck you HumanityCritic!!!", and walked away. What was her problem, what did I ever do to her???? Then I realized the problem could have been either one or both of the following: 1. When Ron and I were kids Ms. Smith had a boyfriend that smacked her in front of us one day. Ron and I couldn't have been 14 years old, but we jumped that guy with an anger that could only be rivaled by how one feels after viewing "Mississippi Burning". After that incident he promptly left Ms. Smith and she has blamed us for her failed relationships ever since.. or 2. When Ron and I were teenagers we beat up two individuals that had tried to sexually assault Ron's sister, Rita. They had called the cops on us, but the only guy they could identify was Ron. Even though I told Ron he could say I was with him, thus lessening his penalty, he refused to snitch on me and did a brief stint in a Boys home.(I love him for that.) OK, I can see why she hates me, I get it.

Later on when everyone had left, it was only Ron, Michael, and myself were having a few beers on their deck. Michael kept talking about his eagerness to go out to clubs, experience the nightlife, and meet a shitload of girls. I told him, drunk off my ass that "there are certain rules you should follow when going to clubs youngster!!" He gave me a "shut the fuck up you old bastard" look and said, "What rules do I need to know HumanityCritic??" Here are some of the rules that I had drunkenly told him that night, I hope he takes these incoherent ramblings with a grain of salt.

Bartenders: When it comes to bartenders of the opposite sex, view them like strippers: Don't mistake their kindness as them "liking you!" Just like a stripper, they will smile and endure your horseshit conversation just for the tips, that's all Casanova. Tipping is important, not only because that is how these individuals make the bulk of their money, but there are some selfish benefits also. Keep stiffing that bartender his/her tip and you will see your rum and coke quickly become 85 percent coke in a New York minute. Not only that, but if you continuously hook the bartender up they will throw you free drinks occasionally, or give you a sweet deal when the bill comes, or both. If you are indeed a cheapskate, I advise you buy only bottled beer because there is no way they could water down that, they will just give you shitty looks as they hand it to you, you cheap son of a bitch!

The "DJ": I believe that you treat DJ's like children, in the sense that you have to disciple them or they will run all over you. If the DJ at your local watering hole is bullshit, tell him, or that sorry motherfucker will continue playing Mike Jones records until you feel a homicide coming on, you will have that asshole thinking that the crowd is digging his musical choices. The other night the DJ was playing one of my favorite songs by Prince, "Darling Nikki", the this fool grabs the Mic and proceeds to sing along, badly. I ran up to the both and loudly yelled in his ear, "SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP!", his ass gave me a pissed off look but he got the picture. Or you have DJ's who will play a decent song but they scratch the shit out of it to the point that you can't enjoy it, so if you are a DJ who does this you might need to calm your ass down Kid Capri. Or you have what I call "cock-tease" DJ's, ones who will play a great record but refuse to play the best part of the record. Everyone knows that you play the last verse(Fatlip's verse) in the Pharcyde song "Passing me by", everyone knows you play Busta Rhymes verse in "Scenario", and everyone knows that if you play a Fugees song that not spinning a Lauryn Hill verse will get a turntable smashed over your head.

Bouncers: Even though my history with bouncers is shakier than Robin Williams on a 12 hour crank binge, I try my best to be cool with certain bouncers at bars that I frequent. Being cool with them, learning their names, asking about the family, and having brief conversations with them is sort of an insurance policy for me. For one thing, if you get in a fight while you are at said establishment you won't be the one that the bouncer will be punching in the back of the head when he attempts to break it up. Also, those few times that you are caught sleeping and suddenly realize that you are outnumbered, he will save your ass by throwing the other guys out, thus buying you time to gather the troops and even up the odds a bit. But Michael, if you are reading this let me say that fighting is bad, very bad. Don't do it.

Altercations: For Michael's sake, fighting is never the way to go and it takes more of a man to walk away, just remember that. OK, now that we have that Public Service Announcement out of the way I have a few theories when it comes to bar altercations. If someone comes up in your face talking absolute shit to you, the safe bet, especially now that I am 31 and have long dreadlocks that someone could drag me around by, is to play the "I don't want to fight you, I'm scared as shit" role. Usually the other party acts one of two ways, they either back down and accept the fact that you don't want to fight, or they get overconfident and talk even more shit. If the person does the ladder, you also do one of two things. 1. Immediately try to knock him clean the fuck out, with a staggering punch or a wind taking throatchop. The logic behind this is that it's my opinion that motherfuckers watch too many movies, where both men have lengthy "macho" banter before engaging in fisticuffs. While he is trying to poetically relate how many ways he will whip your ass, interrupt him mid sentence with a punch that his momma can feel. or 2: Continue to play the "scared" role and walk away to buy you some time. The logic behind this is it gives you a chance to size up the situation, see how many guy's he has with him, then react accordingly. The smart choice, for people who aren't as stupid as myself, is gather your shit and go home. Or, you can watch him, see that he is by himself, then quickly pick up a pool stick and test its durability by smashing it over his vertebrae. (By all means people, hit him with the solid end, didn't any of you see "Roadhouse"? Jesus..)

Jealous Boyfriends: Even though I have my faults, and lord knows I have many, one thing that I am proud of is the fact that I have never been a jealous boyfriend.(I have an ex who reads this blog that would disagree with the previous sentence, but I think that any man would want to beat a dude senseless who tried to serenade his girl in front of him. His nickname is "Jedi" and you better believe that he would have "felt the force" that day.) Sorry for the rant. I never understood jealousy, especially in a club, because if a guy looks at my lady I feel good because "I" am the one who is going home with her that night, not him, so who cares. I also never understood guys who express their jealousy to you by saying, "What in the fuck are you looking at?", when their girlfriend is wearing next to nothing. I mean, his dumb ass knew that his girl is out in public showing off her best stripper uniform, either deal with it or ask her to change into something less "prostitutey". When I was staring at a woman who literally had a see-through shirt exposing her breasts, her boyfriend had the audacity to say, "What are you looking at?" I took a swig of my drink, looked at him and said, "I was staring at her tits, I thought the visible erection and me salivating like pavlov's dog was a dead giveaway. How much did that run you anyway?" Or this one time when a guy got in my face and said, "What in the fuck are you looking at??" when I was staring at his girlfriends incredibly short skirt. It was "I could basically see her asscheeks" short. I simply replied, "Judging by the length of her skirt, I'm trying to see how long it would take me to actually see her ovaries." After saying all of that, I really hope that Michael continues to not take my advice.

49 comments:

Oliviasmommi said...

I am particularly impressed by your advice to avoid the whole bar fighting scene. You never cease to amaze me!

CaffeineDiva said...

You're a funny fucker aren't you?!

Anonymous said...

Another great post, you violent son of a bitch!! LOL

I am Jack said...

That is so true about bartenders, scratch their back and they will scratch yours.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Dude, "prostitutey"? LMFAO!

piranha said...

His momma is cool as hell. I would have said the same thing. :)

shinjyo said...

Great writing, once again.

Nikki said...

Ah, you told the world of a truth with that DJ scratching the song up to all be damned. I sincerely hate that. Just ruining my groove on the floor.

Clarence said...

Bruh, this brings me back. At 31 years old now (and because I'm on the official with boxing), I'll go ahead and walk away (can't damage the hands unwrapped, feel me?) In my old format though, there was nothing like an open-hand smack across the mouth of some monkey in the club. Grown men, guard yo grill!, because some cats won't be thinking what would Jesus do? before they put five on ya!

Anonymous said...

"prostitutey" hehehe I love it! This is so funny. "see her ovaries! ROTFLMBAO!!

Big N said...

Good stuff once again. You should throw all this shit in a book.

Msnhim said...

"prostitutey" That is too funny !

Schatzi said...

I worked in a bar for years going thru school.. Great advice!

Paul said...

I always tell the DJ if he sucks. I don't feel any reason to hold back the truth if they don't know good music.

Everything else you said, I already do. Great advice!

BLESSD1 said...

Man...such priceless advice for going to the club. I'm gonna make sure I punch a guy straight in the jaw if he pops shit at me, just like HC, my role-model, would! LOL! Excellent post, man! Excelsior

Aradia said...

Love the advice - having been in the food service industry, I can vouch for the idea that you can view the opposite-sex bartenders the way you'd view strippers. They just want your money, honey!

And only a real man can recognize that a guy staring at his chick is paying him a compliment ;-)

Sparkling said...

Love your bartenders-are-like-strippers... only strippers usually get paid more.

I knew I chose the wrong job to get me through university!

bec said...

That bit about bouncers is too true, you have talent man.

U-Liang said...

How do you come up with all this material on a daily basis? good post.

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

LMFAO@ your friends' mother..

Ethereal Darkness said...

There goes HC, throat chopping people again..

Mistachuck @ Yahoo said...

I saw the blackblogawards banner on the top of your page. You have my vote!!

SMURF said...

It is my experience that some people won't let you walk away so I am all for smacking the shit out of someone.

babc said...

great piece of writing

Oliviasmommi said...

I like how you added the links on your page...you know IMDB is saved to my favorites at home *wink*. Also, everyone should check out the link at the top of this blog and vote for Humanity Critic in the Black Blog Awards!!! (H.C., you know if you do not toot your own horn, I will!)

princessdominique said...

Humanity man, you are fearless, or is that alcohol talking? Remember you promised to be on your best behavior at the blogger outing.

Coley said...

ROFLMAO @ You HC!!! You hit the nail on the head with the part about the DJ's..... There's nothing worse than a DJ fuckin that shit up, when you're trying to get your grove on...

Oh and you are right about the bartenders... No doubt! Give a good tip and they'll hook yo already buzzed self up with some fo licca. lol! I'm still waiting for a deal on the freakin tab though... They act like they bought the damn alcohol and shit! Fukk... can a girl get a break? I'm sayin' a damn shot of Patron has a higher mark up than a diamond ring at crescent jewelers....

That aint right!

Coley said...

OOPS... dammit I made a boo boo (typo) that's supposed to say:

Give a good tip and they'll hook yo' already buzzed self up with some mo' likka. lol!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious.

suzy said...

Keep it coming! I love your blog.

Icylyrics said...

prostitutey.....


This is mos def the word of the week.

If he does take your advice, would that mean we would eventually call him Humanity Critic II?

Xquizzyt1 said...

Damn I did NOT know that shit about Visine. Til I saw it in Wedding Crashers... I'm mad that I was never up on that. That could have clearly come in handy when on some "dates from hell."

Kelly said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. Glad you did, for it introduced me to yours. I got in a bit of touble at work because I was laughing so hard (and loan processing is not a funny job.) Anyways, keep up the good posts! :)

Inside Man said...

Great advice, but hopefully someone who has never squared up tries to throw that punch at the wrong person........

josie said...

i have experience that where the dj play shit. they start a good song, just the beat and a little word, hype up the crowd and including me and just switch to some shit.

Chele said...

smh AND lol @ you
31..and still alive to tell it all. That is a feat in itself. lol

kissmeimcontagious said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kissmeimcontagious said...

Crazy post Mr. Humanity,

I can't wait until I turn 21. It shall be a grand event.

Thanks for stopping by the old xanga today and leaving me a message, just thought I'd return the favor!

Hope to hear again from you,

Bonnie!

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Sonny0519 said...

Hey, I was just checking out your bar. I have some tips for your friend as well. Check out my blog!

Anonymous said...
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msjaim said...

Saw her ovaries!...lmbao!!!!!

lisa said...

Love the advice! Another trick we bartenders have is making you wait, and wait, and wait for your drink if you're a sh**ty tipper.

lisa said...
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Amadeo said...

Keep in mind: 1)Some bartenders don't get the principle of tipping, know when to move on.
2)Sometimes you have to tell D.J.s what to play...god so many of them suck.
3)I'd add to the throat chop a blow diaphram and the nuts. As long as you get one clean you've got options.

introspectre said...

"see her ovaries"

Ah, man....

Brother OMi said...

this sounds like an Onyx album (well their first one)

getting cool with bouncers is a life saver. thats good advice right there